I thought after last post that I'd leave it alone. I brought up mental illness and got people talking. Now it's time to go back to my Triathlon Blog. Yay, triathlons! Yay, running! But then a friend made me realize something. This blog is to track my journey to 70.3 Texas- and it's already included a few posts about physical illness and injuries. So I'd be a hypocrite to leave out the bipolar and it's affect on my training plan, because it's altered my training just as much as an injury would. I want to be able to go back next year and read this blog and look at what it took to get to the finish line. I can't just leave out this part of my life. So this is more for me to document the struggles of training than anything else.
And... my training log is a mess.
Aside from the missing week in my training plan from vacation and taking it easy because of my leg injury, I have other missing weeks in my training plan, too And not because I didn't train, but because I never bothered logging in and recording my data. Again, with the apathy. And then even when I've done training sessions, they haven't always matched my plan. Or I just never was able to do them, like Tuesday when I was too manic to sit still long enough to ever get on my bike (more on that in a minute).
Yesterday I wrote the following to a friend of mine, "Now I want my blog to say:' ____ this ____ ultra rapid cycling ____.' But I don't think that would be as well received."
She told me I could say that if I took out certain words, so there you go. You can fill in the blanks. Everyone loves Mad Libs, right?
When I last left the story I was doing a little bit better. That was Monday.
Tuesday I woke up feeling okay. Not great, but okay. And then I was determined to have a good bike ride whether or not I felt like it. I pumped my tires, filled my water bottle, got all ready to go and realized my Garmin watch was dead. So I decided while I let that charge to at least 25% I'd start rearranging some furniture I've been wanting to move for a while. So I started doing that, and once I started I figured I should finish. And then since I had to make a mess of the first room to do that, I had to go back and reorganize that room. And then I'd see another project and do that, and then I'd see something and think "oh, that will only take 5 minutes, I'll do that real fast, too".
Go go go go go. Can't stop. Go go go. I kept thinking "after I finish vacuuming I'll ride my bike" and then it became "after I finish the dishes, I'll ride my bike". And so on.
And before I knew it the entire house was clean, I never sat down, I never rode my bike and Jess and Glen were about to be at my house so we could head out to the lake for a swim. (at least my watch was 100% charged?). I didn't sit until Jess got to my house. And then I realized I never sat still long enough to eat lunch so I ate something while we waited for Glen so I could get through the swim. The swim was good- about 40 minutes of a mystery distance (we took a different route than usual and our watches disagreed). By the time I got home I felt myself coming down. But not all the way down. Just partly down. A mixed state.
So let me give you a brief lesson about cycling. And not the bike kind of cycling.
Rapid cycling is four significant mood shifts within a year. Ultra rapid cycling is mood shifts within weeks or days. Within the same day. That's what I do. (Apparently the faster shifts are termed 'ultradian'. I hadn't heard of that before).
There is also a mixed state where [hypo]mania and depressive symptoms occur at the same time. Imagine a depressed person drinking 10 energy drinks. They're still depressed but now they can't sit still. Their speech is pressured and rushed. They want to do everything and nothing. That's what I do, too.
Yay.
 |
| This makes me laugh. It shouldn't. But it does. But look at what my brain does. Brain, what are you thinking? |
So then Wednesday. I woke up feeling mildly okay. When Nathan asked, that's what I told him. I wasn't great, but I wasn't horrible. Not even 10 minutes later an anxiety attack hit and so did a massive urge to self-harm. I grabbed my anxiety medication and luckily Nathan was walking by just at that moment. I hugged him while I waited to stop shaking. Then I held his hands so that my hands were occupied. Shout out to Nathan- he's amazingly supportive. We decided to play Guitar Hero for a while, again to keep my hands occupied.
The rest of the afternoon wasn't great. Embarrassingly, I stayed in bed for most of it and didn't manage to eat lunch until 4. I had plans to run with a local running group at 6, but by 4:30 I was getting anxious again and couldn't imagine running 5 miles or even putting forth the effort to get there. I decided to at least get my running clothes on so that I'd be ready if I changed my mind at the last minute. Which I did. I didn't want to, but ultimately I knew I shouldn't be alone that long (Nathan was at work). And Jess was going to be there and being with a friend helps.
We ran/walked our 5 miles and talked the whole time. It was good and it helped.
So to go back to my training plan since this is a triathlon blog (sometimes?): I wasn't scheduled for a 5 mile run/walk yesterday. And guess what? I never rode my bike, either.
I don't know how I am today yet. I guess I'm mildly okay again. It's unsettling because I never know what the next minute will be.
I'm going to attempt a swim today. And depending on how that goes, and if I'm feeling ambitious possibly a run and/or bike ride, too. Because this is what my week looked like:
Monday: Nothing
Tuesday: 40 minute lake swim - no bike
Wednesday: 5 mile run/walk - no bike
Thursday: ?
Friday: work 12 hours- attempt a bike ride before work?
Saturday: work 12 hours -attempt a run before work?
Sunday: work 12 hours- off (Mass before work)
I won't bore you with what my training is SUPPOSED to look like, but I'll just say that it looks nothing like that. No where close. Out of 7.5 hours, I've done less than 2.
Hey, my training looks just like it would if I were injured or had a cold. Oh hey, there is no difference. The only difference is that no one can see my brain (wouldn't that be cool, though?).
Because mental illness is real. So keep talking about it.
No comments:
Post a Comment