St. Jude Half Marathon Recap and a List of Positives

I didn't mean for the tone of my last post to be so negative. Yesterday was rough, and I just had to be honest about it. Ultimately I’m writing this to document my training journey, and I’m not going to lie and say everything is great and easy. No long distance training is easy for anybody- healthy or not. Everyone struggles with something. I might have some different circumstances to work around, but I’m doing just that- trying to work around them (by skipping the zoo event last night). I just need time to figure out a good way to balance everything. It’s possible- it has to be- and so I’m hopeful. And I'm grateful for what I can do. But sometimes it still scares me and I still get doubts.

The positive things about Week One of training: I've ran a total of 20 miles this week so far, spent ~2.5 hours in the pool, and 2.5 hours on my bike. I have another hour on my bike tomorrow morning, and- time permitting- 20 minutes of running before work. So really, I might be struggling against myself, but I’m still doing it. I’m making it work. Week 1 of training won’t be 100% completed but it’s pretty darn close, and that’s all I can really ask for.

This morning I actually got myself out of bed at 6 and ran 7 miles before work! A victory! Honestly, I am not a morning person so that's huge. I’m really tired now, but I’m proud of myself. I probably would have been tired anyway, so at least this way I have a good reason to be.

Yesterday I rode Kally (my bike) outside for the first time since I got my aero bars readjusted. I spent the first 15 minutes with one arm in aero and the other hand still holding onto my handle bar. But I finally mustered up enough courage and let go and had both arms in. Yippee! That was a huge hurdle. I've ridden in the aero position once before the adjustment and it was terrifying. This time I felt more stable and was actually able to stay there for a while (for 5 Hail Mary’s!).

Progress and little victories! 

The St. Jude half marathon!

I love Memphis and St. Jude and this whole community. It seems all of Memphis supports this race and these kids and it's such a great thing to experience. There were 18,000 runners (12,000 were Heroes) and we raised over $8 million for the hospital!!

There were only two times I got choked up during the race- the first was when a St. Jude patient sang the National Anthem, and at mile 7 when a woman on the side cheering us on said “Thank you, Heroes. My daughter is alive because of you!” (So a HUGE thank you to everyone who has donated to St. Jude! It really does make a difference!). Running through the campus is always overwhelming, too. Even though I work there and am on campus all the time, it's a whole different place during the race.
The race support and volunteers were awesome. There were so many Spirit Stations along the route with all sorts of live music and patients and families were lining the whole course.

The taper week was uneventful- almost TOO uneventful as in… I only ran one time! But I was so tired and seemingly everyone in Tennessee was sick with some kind of something and I think my body was worn out trying to fight off all the germs. Whatever it was- it was a relaxing week and I didn't let myself get upset for too much couch time and not enough swim/bike/run time.

The night before the race we went to stay at a friend’s apartment that was about a block from the start. We ate our carb-y dinner and started getting ready to go to sleep and I commented on how weird it was that nothing had gone wrong yet. I wasn't sick or injured, no one was in the hospital, we made it to Nick’s safely... smooth sailing. So I joked around because something has to go wrong in every race- or at least it has up until that point.

We woke up on time- still uninjured and still not sick, the rain from the night before had stopped, there wasn't an ice storm like last year... I ate my 2 bananas and peanut butter and went down to the start line. I found Jess in corral 4 (I started in corral 10 last time... big improvement) and we talked and tried to stay warm until it was our turn to go. We ran the first couple miles together before she took off and ran an awesome marathon.

I'm going to miss my running buddy!

My ultimate ambitious goal was 1:53, but realistically I just wanted a sub-2 finish. I was coming right up to mile 13 and tried to really push because that two hours was getting too close for comfort. Apparently I pushed too hard and tripped myself and landed on my hands and knees. Some runners helped me up, and aside from my bloody knee and bruised hands I was fine. But as I went down I started laughing… there it was! The one thing to go wrong! My one minor freak out! It hid from me until the very end. I’m oddly glad it happened just to keep the streak alive.

My official time was 2:00:51, but my watch read the course as being 13.3 miles. So really, according to my watch, I ran 13.1 in 1:59:07 and made my sub-2 goal! I had a 25 minute PR!!!

After I finished I walked around a bit then stayed next to the finish line to watch Nathan finish his first half marathon! And although he claims he "hates running" (whatever that means) and that he’s a retired half marathoner, he did great and so I don't really believe him. 

Will I do this race again? I hope so!!! This is one event that is worth the drive from Michigan every year. So whether I'll be running or volunteering, I want to come down and be involved. Plus... if I ever decide to do a full marathon (oh, boy), I want it to be the St. Jude marathon.

Woohoo! Cold and sore but happy!
PRs for both of us!

Coming to Terms with My Own Civil War

The half marathon race recap is coming, but first I need to talk about my training freak outs.

Monday was the first day of my 19 week training plan. I successfully completed my swim and ride. Tuesday I successfully completed my long run (10 miles already? Seriously?) and my recovery ride, and Wednesday I completed my swim. Three solid days. It's a good way to start.

But I've been uneasy lately. Anxious. The anxiety from my summer meltdown never fully left me as it is (that alone is aggravating) and so this is magnifying it a bit. My favorite way to describe bipolar is that everything is amplified. Something good happens? Then it's extremely good. If something is sad, then it is extremely sad. If something is a bit stressful, then it is extremely stressful. If anything causes a little bit of anxiety, then it's full blown anxiety and panic and I shut down. Everything is amplified.

I like to pretend I'm healthy. I laugh about my caffeine intake like it's a joke, but really, it's the only way I can function. I like to think I'm fine and healthy. I have a full time job that I love and spend time with friends, I go for some runs. You know, normal things.

I hate to blame triathlon or my training for the anxiety, because it really isn't that. What it's doing is making me face reality. My reality. This training isn't allowing me to pretend I'm healthy. This training is finally forcing me to accept my reality for what it is and learn how to live with it. My body and I are waged in a civil war and I never know who will win. I can't hide from myself. I can't deny it anymore.

I feel like I need to stand up and say, "I'm Andi, and I have a chronic illness", not "I'm Andi, and I'm a triathlete". How do I reconcile the two? How do I do this?

I'm Andi and I'm a triathlete with a chronic illness. Isn't acceptance the first step or something?

I was assuming my half Ironman training would start out easy and gradually build up over the course of the 19 weeks. But my training hours per week are already longer than my longest week of half marathon training and I'm only in week one. I'm not dreading the training itself- I like doing these sports- if I didn't I wouldn't have signed myself up for 70.3 miles.
So it's more of a struggle to figure out how to fit in my training. It's a struggle to come to terms with the fact it's a struggle. It's hard to admit that I'm not healthy, that I have limitations, that I can't do everything, that I need to ask for and accept help. It's a struggle to fit in training and my responsibilities.

So as I said- I already have this underlying current of anxiety from August. Anything can overwhelm me and I just shut down. Simple errands, simple decisions, simple phone calls- anything that the average adult should be able to do can some days become too much and just paralyze me. That's been frustrating as it is- it's stuff I've been able to manage for all of my life and suddenly it becomes too much. It's been hard just to accept that I can't control my anxiety and feel like I'm failing at being an adult. I can't help but think I should be over this by now- that if I just tried harder I'd be fine. But that's now how any of this works.

I only have a certain amount of energy on any given day, so now running errands- grocery shopping, taking my car in for maintenance, simple things- scare me because if I do them before my training I risk wearing myself out to the point I've become too tired to train. Or if things are time sensitive I have to either wake up earlier to squeeze in my workout before I might feel physically ready to do it, or rush to fit it in between certain hours that may or may not be the best time of day for me.
Or I'm nervous that doing things at night will wear me out too much for the next day. It's not always errands- for example- tonight my work is hosting an after hours event at the zoo from 5:30-9. That's potentially 3.5 hours of walking around (well, 2.5 because I could easily sit in the bat exhibit for at least an hour), and I worry how much energy that will take. I know we don't have to stay the whole time (or maybe I could watch the bats for 3 hours...), but it's another limitation I have to accept. It's another limitation I have to impose on others- I have to accept that 3.5 hours (with an hour of bats) might be too much for me and ask for them to accommodate that. But I'd rather pretend that I'm healthy and just do everything.

And today my schedule is even more thrown off because I couldn't fall asleep until 2:30 last night and I didn't wake up until 10 instead of 7:30 like I had planned. So now I have to wait for my body to wake up and try to fit in all of my training for today before the zoo tonight and I'm feeling overwhelmed by that. Because I'm not ready for my bike ride yet but it's already almost noon. And my worry is amplified. And my anxiety is amplified. Logically I know this isn't a big deal, that I have plenty of time, but I can't seem to make my brain chill out.

I've been trying to figure out ways to rest more. To maximize recovery between sessions. To somehow streamline life and eliminate unnecessarily spending energy. And to control what I can because there is a lot that I can't control.

What I can control:

• Nutrition
• Hydration
• Medication
• Rest

What I can't control:

• My body's response to those 4 things
• My energy levels
• My moods and anxiety

So that's where I'm at right now- stubbornly refusing to admit I'm sick but admitting it anyway, and easily being overwhelmed by every threat to my precious energy reserves. 

But I guess all I can do is do what I can, and hope I win the civil war each day.

By the Grace of God, I am What I am.

The half marathon is in 3 days!!! But before I get into that, here are some updates.

A few weeks ago Nathan and I ran the Gateway to the Delta 10 miler. It was a brisk 24 degrees at the start line and not much warmer at the finish. This was only the second year of this race, so it's small, which I like. After about the first mile when everyone was settled into their paces, no one but one old man (around mile 9) passed me for the remainder of the race. It was awesome. I kept passing people the whole time. My legs felt dead, though. I'm capable of a faster pace but my legs weren't responding. I hope it was just the cold weather- that my muscles aren't accustomed to running in those temperatures. I still beat last year's time and came in 6th in my age group, so all in all it was a great race.

Post race.
Nathan did great but he said he had no more smiles left.

This Sunday is 20 weeks away from my 70.3, and I'm starting to freak out a little bit. I've been so tired recently and it's been a struggle to complete all of my training. Some days I can complete the amount of time but am not able to meet the planned intensity. Or if I do the intensity I have to cut back on the duration. It's frustrating. I feel hydrated enough. I'm eating enough. I've rested as much as I can. But my body isn't responding. What else can I even do at that point?

Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake. I know I haven't- I know I'm capable of this- but if my body is struggling at the end of just half marathon training, how is it going to handle the weeks leading up to the half Ironman?

Maybe training for the half marathon has worn me out more than I realized. Maybe all of my long runs have pushed my body more than I thought. Maybe I need to figure out how to rest more.

On my tired days I start to doubt myself. And recently I've been having a lot of tired days, and therefore a lot of doubt.

But I am not alone. I just thought of 1 Corinthians 15:10

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me has not been ineffective. Indeed, I have toiled harder than all of them; not I, however, but the grace of God that is with me.

For whatever reason, God decided to give me this body and it's illnesses. He also gave me the love of triathlon and the ability to push through my fatigue and train- to at least some extent. I have no idea how I'll get through half Ironman training, or the race itself, but isn't there some comfort in knowing that I am what I am because of Him?

While that is comforting, skipping training sessions still makes me feel like I'm failing at this. I don't want to skip them- I love all three sports. But being this tired makes it feel like a chore because it's such a struggle. I hate that my fatigue takes the fun out of what I love doing. It's still difficult to accept my limitations, but I'm trying.

I ran across this (pun intended) near the end of my last long run.
Nice little reminder to be happy and grateful. 

Anyway, back to THIS SATURDAY!!! The half marathon! I've been so tired lately that I'm not sure if I am capable of my goal time, but this race is so much more than paces and finishing times. This race is for the kids at St. Jude. We run through the St. Jude campus and past the Target House where many of the families stay during treatment. The kids will be on the side cheering us on, holding signs that say things like "Thank you for running for my life". I honestly tear up just thinking about it. There is nothing like this race. 

So every time I start wondering about the weather (which I've been checking every day), or start worrying about how I'll feel that morning and what pace I'm capable of, I think of the kids and realize none of that really matters.

From St. Jude Heroes Facebook page
A patient making a sign for the race.

Honestly, no other race compares.