By the Grace of God, I am What I am.

The half marathon is in 3 days!!! But before I get into that, here are some updates.

A few weeks ago Nathan and I ran the Gateway to the Delta 10 miler. It was a brisk 24 degrees at the start line and not much warmer at the finish. This was only the second year of this race, so it's small, which I like. After about the first mile when everyone was settled into their paces, no one but one old man (around mile 9) passed me for the remainder of the race. It was awesome. I kept passing people the whole time. My legs felt dead, though. I'm capable of a faster pace but my legs weren't responding. I hope it was just the cold weather- that my muscles aren't accustomed to running in those temperatures. I still beat last year's time and came in 6th in my age group, so all in all it was a great race.

Post race.
Nathan did great but he said he had no more smiles left.

This Sunday is 20 weeks away from my 70.3, and I'm starting to freak out a little bit. I've been so tired recently and it's been a struggle to complete all of my training. Some days I can complete the amount of time but am not able to meet the planned intensity. Or if I do the intensity I have to cut back on the duration. It's frustrating. I feel hydrated enough. I'm eating enough. I've rested as much as I can. But my body isn't responding. What else can I even do at that point?

Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake. I know I haven't- I know I'm capable of this- but if my body is struggling at the end of just half marathon training, how is it going to handle the weeks leading up to the half Ironman?

Maybe training for the half marathon has worn me out more than I realized. Maybe all of my long runs have pushed my body more than I thought. Maybe I need to figure out how to rest more.

On my tired days I start to doubt myself. And recently I've been having a lot of tired days, and therefore a lot of doubt.

But I am not alone. I just thought of 1 Corinthians 15:10

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me has not been ineffective. Indeed, I have toiled harder than all of them; not I, however, but the grace of God that is with me.

For whatever reason, God decided to give me this body and it's illnesses. He also gave me the love of triathlon and the ability to push through my fatigue and train- to at least some extent. I have no idea how I'll get through half Ironman training, or the race itself, but isn't there some comfort in knowing that I am what I am because of Him?

While that is comforting, skipping training sessions still makes me feel like I'm failing at this. I don't want to skip them- I love all three sports. But being this tired makes it feel like a chore because it's such a struggle. I hate that my fatigue takes the fun out of what I love doing. It's still difficult to accept my limitations, but I'm trying.

I ran across this (pun intended) near the end of my last long run.
Nice little reminder to be happy and grateful. 

Anyway, back to THIS SATURDAY!!! The half marathon! I've been so tired lately that I'm not sure if I am capable of my goal time, but this race is so much more than paces and finishing times. This race is for the kids at St. Jude. We run through the St. Jude campus and past the Target House where many of the families stay during treatment. The kids will be on the side cheering us on, holding signs that say things like "Thank you for running for my life". I honestly tear up just thinking about it. There is nothing like this race. 

So every time I start wondering about the weather (which I've been checking every day), or start worrying about how I'll feel that morning and what pace I'm capable of, I think of the kids and realize none of that really matters.

From St. Jude Heroes Facebook page
A patient making a sign for the race.

Honestly, no other race compares.