A Glimpse into my Messy Training Plan

Wow, once again I am blown away by the encouragement and "me, too!"s I've received. Thank you. I never knew my words mattered.

I thought after last post that I'd leave it alone. I brought up mental illness and got people talking. Now it's time to go back to my Triathlon Blog. Yay, triathlons! Yay, running! But then a friend made me realize something. This blog is to track my journey to 70.3 Texas- and it's already included a few posts about physical illness and injuries. So I'd be a hypocrite to leave out the bipolar and it's affect on my training plan, because it's altered my training just as much as an injury would. I want to be able to go back next year and read this blog and look at what it took to get to the finish line. I can't just leave out this part of my life. So this is more for me to document the struggles of training than anything else.

And... my training log is a mess.

Aside from the missing week in my training plan from vacation and taking it easy because of my leg injury, I have other missing weeks in my training plan, too And not because I didn't train, but because I never bothered logging in and recording my data. Again, with the apathy. And then even when I've done training sessions, they haven't always matched my plan. Or I just never was able to do them, like Tuesday when I was too manic to sit still long enough to ever get on my bike (more on that in a minute).

Yesterday I wrote the following to a friend of mine, "Now I want my blog to say:' ____ this ____ ultra rapid cycling ____.'  But I don't think that would be as well received."
She told me I could say that if I took out certain words, so there you go. You can fill in the blanks. Everyone loves Mad Libs, right?

When I last left the story I was doing a little bit better. That was Monday.

Tuesday I woke up feeling okay. Not great, but okay. And then I was determined to have a good bike ride whether or not I felt like it. I pumped my tires, filled my water bottle, got all ready to go and realized my Garmin watch was dead. So I decided while I let that charge to at least 25% I'd start rearranging some furniture I've been wanting to move for a while. So I started doing that, and once I started I figured I should finish. And then since I had to make a mess of the first room to do that, I had to go back and reorganize that room. And then I'd see another project and do that, and then I'd see something and think "oh, that will only take 5 minutes, I'll do that real fast, too".

Go go go go go. Can't stop. Go go go. I kept thinking "after I finish vacuuming I'll ride my bike" and then it became "after I finish the dishes, I'll ride my bike". And so on.

And before I knew it the entire house was clean, I never sat down, I never rode my bike and Jess and Glen were about to be at my house so we could head out to the lake for a swim. (at least my watch was 100% charged?). I didn't sit until Jess got to my house. And then I realized I never sat still long enough to eat lunch so I ate something while we waited for Glen so I could get through the swim.  The swim was good- about 40 minutes of a mystery distance (we took a different route than usual and our watches disagreed). By the time I got home I felt myself coming down. But not all the way down. Just partly down. A mixed state.

So let me give you a brief lesson about cycling. And not the bike kind of cycling.

Rapid cycling is four significant mood shifts within a year. Ultra rapid cycling is mood shifts within weeks or days. Within the same day. That's what I do. (Apparently the faster shifts are termed 'ultradian'. I hadn't heard of that before).

There is also a mixed state where [hypo]mania and depressive symptoms occur at the same time. Imagine a depressed person drinking 10 energy drinks. They're still depressed but now they can't sit still. Their speech is pressured and rushed. They want to do everything and nothing. That's what I do, too.

Yay.

This makes me laugh. It shouldn't. But it does.
But look at what my brain does. Brain, what are you thinking?

So then Wednesday. I woke up feeling mildly okay. When Nathan asked, that's what I told him. I wasn't great, but I wasn't horrible. Not even 10 minutes later an anxiety attack hit and so did a massive urge to self-harm. I grabbed my anxiety medication and luckily Nathan was walking by just at that moment. I hugged him while I waited to stop shaking. Then I held his hands so that my hands were occupied. Shout out to Nathan- he's amazingly supportive. We decided to play Guitar Hero for a while, again to keep my hands occupied.

The rest of the afternoon wasn't great. Embarrassingly, I stayed in bed for most of it and didn't manage to eat lunch until 4. I had plans to run with a local running group at 6, but by 4:30 I was getting anxious again and couldn't imagine running 5 miles or even putting forth the effort to get there. I decided to at least get my running clothes on so that I'd be ready if I changed my mind at the last minute. Which I did. I didn't want to, but ultimately I knew I shouldn't be alone that long (Nathan was at work). And Jess was going to be there and being with a friend helps.

We ran/walked our 5 miles and talked the whole time. It was good and it helped.

So to go back to my training plan since this is a triathlon blog (sometimes?): I wasn't scheduled for a 5 mile run/walk yesterday. And guess what? I never rode my bike, either.

I don't know how I am today yet. I guess I'm mildly okay again. It's unsettling because I never know what the next minute will be.
I'm going to attempt a swim today. And depending on how that goes, and if I'm feeling ambitious possibly a run and/or bike ride, too. Because this is what my week looked like:

Monday: Nothing
Tuesday: 40 minute lake swim - no bike
Wednesday: 5 mile run/walk - no bike
Thursday: ?
Friday: work 12 hours- attempt a bike ride before work?
Saturday: work 12 hours -attempt a run before work?
Sunday: work 12 hours- off (Mass before work)

I won't bore you with what my training is SUPPOSED to look like, but I'll just say that it looks nothing like that. No where close. Out of 7.5 hours, I've done less than 2.

Hey, my training looks just like it would if I were injured or had a cold. Oh hey, there is no difference. The only difference is that no one can see my brain (wouldn't that be cool, though?).
Because mental illness is real. So keep talking about it.

When Freak Outs become Major.

And now for something completely different.

I actually wrote most of this a few days ago, but decided not to post it. It seemed too much.

But now with recent events of another public suicide I felt like I had to. Why do I feel okay talking about a hurt knee or sleep disorder, but not my "hurt" brain? There isn't a difference. There is too much stigma attached to mental illness. So why shouldn't I write about it? Depression in an equal opportunity illness. None of us is immune.

Our secrets keep us sick. And it took me way too many years to realize that.

I briefly mentioned in my last post that I have bipolar II. Bipolar II is different than bipolar I in that bipolar II has hypomanic episodes as opposed to full blown manic episodes. Unfortunately, the depression and anxiety gets just as severe in both. I wish it was the other way around… although I wish I didn't have it at all.

I realized this morning that it's been roughly 14 years since I started experiencing depression. That makes it half of my life. It's a dark and lonely place to be. So dark sometimes that I was suicidal, but thankfully I never followed through. And I've already talked about my eating disorder- part of that was how I coped. Somehow self-destruction helped. 

For the last few years I've been relatively stable. I've had some ups and downs here and there but I've been able to get through them. My medication hasn't changed, I haven’t needed therapy, and I haven’t been self-destructive. It’s been nice. 

Well, that all changed a few weeks ago. I started noticing my mood shifting and I tried to wait it out, thinking it was just another 'blip' on the radar. I thought once I got back into a routine everything would be fine again. I tried to put on a smile and hide it until it went away. Except that wasn't happening and I seemed to be getting worse as the days went on.

I was anxious all the time, for no reason. That’s honestly the most frustrating part of all this. If there was a reason to be anxious or depressed, I could deal with the issue or talk about it and be fine. But there isn't any issue to fix and there isn't anything wrong to talk about. It’s just my brain deciding to be that way and there isn't anything I can do about it. So I start getting angry and start hating everything- including myself.

I think this is such an important thing for people to realize and understand. Nothing externally has to be wrong for depression to hit. There doesn't have to be an anxious situation for an anxiety attack to hit. It’s our bodies' fight-or-flight response going hay-wire. It’s beyond our control.

So lately it’s been a mixture of depression and anxiety. I've had a hard time eating this past week, too. That's not to say I'm falling back into an eating disorder- I just haven’t cared that I was hungry, and getting up and making something to eat was just too much work. It was easier to just stay where I was and not care. That’s made training hard. Keeping up on a 20 mile bike ride followed by a 3 mile run was challenging last Thursday with very little fuel and hydration.

And it’s been hard to leave the house- not in an agoraphobic way- but just in a way I felt too anxious and didn't want to be around people or deal with things, and partly the apathy of not caring whether or not errands got done. It was too much work and included being around too many people. I hate people sometimes. Not the individual people, but people as a whole. Being alone was safer. Easier.

Hyperbole and a Half

I had my 6 month checkup with my psychiatrist last week. Good timing, I suppose. Except he didn't seem to understand the severity of what I was dealing with- probably due to my apathy of not caring what either one of us said. I probably wasn't advocating for myself very well. But I did tell him I had urges to self-harm and he just said running should help replace bad coping methods. Essentially he thought running can provide the release that self-injury otherwise would have provided. Which isn't true, but I didn't want to argue.
And he said since I have a history of feeling worse in the spring and summer (seriously, how weird is that) and that since it was almost fall, I should be okay soon. He wasn't going to change anything and I could come back in 6 months for my next routine checkup. I didn't really like that answer but I didn't bother to tell him that. I just said ‘OK’ and left. But then I was mad and cried and felt hopeless. Was I really supposed to feel like this all the way to fall when hopefully, if I was lucky, I would do better? It’s the beginning of August- that’s not almost fall.

A few days later I was feeling even worse and I was convinced to call my doctor and explain to him that how we left that appointment was not okay. That running cannot be considered a good way of coping since I cannot run every minute of every day. That I can’t wait until the fall to feel better. And that things were getting worse. So he adjusted my medication. For the first time in 4 or 5 years.

That’s the other bad thing about mental illness. Finding the right medication is trial and error. What works for someone doesn't work for someone else. And what works for 5 years might eventually stop working. Again, I think this is really important for friends and family to understand. Nothing externally has to change for moods to shift. It’s probably nothing you did and there probably isn't much you can do about it. It’s that our brains flipped a switch one day and decided to do something different for a while.
We can't force it to get to better, or pray or hope it away. I thought for a long time that I wasn't praying hard enough, or that God wasn't listening to me because I wasn't getting better (although I'm sure God played a role in keeping me alive). Prayer can offer some peace and hope, but it takes more than that. There isn't much we can do to flip the switch back to where it was, except to be honest with a treatment team and try to do something about it before it gets worse.

So I’m trying to keep on being a functioning member of society. I trained with friends last week so that I would actually leave the house and have to be at a certain place at a certain time and do certain things. I plan on doing that again this week, otherwise I’d probably be doing nothing. I usually don’t need accountability with workouts, but right now I need the help.

I’m trying to be patient. I’m trying to hope the medication change will help. Both the immediate action one and the long term one. But the anxiety can be crippling and I wish I had an immediate fix. I think it's starting to help since my urges to self-harm have lessened- that tends to be my gauge of how I'm doing.

So yes. I say all of this to help break the stigma. It needs to be talked about.

This time around my depression didn't get to the point of feeling suicidal, but it could have if I let it go on longer. I would never ever follow through, but the fact that the thoughts creep in is unsettling.
Why do we allow ourselves to think we're the only ones and feel we can't get help? It's the illness. It does that to us. But we're not alone and we can get help. And it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Get help if you need it. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy- it's not always easy, and the trial-and-error method of medication can be frustrating, and working through things can be difficult, but it's worth it.
There is always hope, even if you can't find any hope in your darkness, trust me, it's there. It's worth fighting for.

A little humor never hurts.

Hyperbole and a Half

I'm Back!

I woke up today for the first time in almost 3 weeks without pain!

On Monday I went to an orthopedic doctor about my knee pain. I was really nervous because I think knees are disgusting and just seeing my x-ray made me feel sick. After a quick glance I kept staring at the wall until he took the images down. I am fully aware that this is weird, but I can't help it! Meniscus! Patellas! Gross!

Anyway, the x-ray didn't show any fractures, and he pushed and pulled and twisted my knee around (blech) and said my ligaments (blech) felt normal, and said I probably didn't damage my meniscus (blech) because I would have had some swelling and probably couldn't have run 6 days after the injury. (I'm shuddering as I write this.)

My options were to keep taking ibuprofen and resting it and come back in 2 weeks (or sooner if it got worse), get a cortisol injection in my knee (oh heck no!), take a 6 day course of oral steroids, or get an MRI. I chose ibuprofen, rest, and the follow up appointment.

I didn't really like the outcome of the appointment, though. I was glad it appeared my knee was fine, but then why was I having knee pain? And if nothing was wrong, why have I been eating ibuprofen like candy for two weeks? It just didn't make sense.

Tuesday I had a therapeutic massage to try to help my muscles that were still tight and sore. She uses this awesome technique called Active Release Technique (ART). Amazing. It's really helped me through a lot of aches and pains and is so effective. During this, though, my hip started hurting a lot. My hip and back have been achy, but I attributed that to constant limping. This is how she discovered that my right hip was higher than my left and my pelvis was slightly rotated. This was a huge TA-DA! moment.

It made sense that my hip was pushed up after my initial awkward half fall thing I did. And that explained why I had such intense pain in my low back, hip, quad, IT band, and knee that first day and lingering pain in those areas ever since. And come to find out, knee pain is a very common symptom of having a tilted pelvis because of the strain placed on the connecting muscles (the thigh bone is connected to the hip bone...). So basically, this explained why I was having knee pain even though there was nothing structurally wrong with my knee (blech).

I went to my chiropractor yesterday- who also uses ART (seriously, it's amazing)- and he got my hip back into place. He used ART to stretch my hip, quad, hamstring, and knee (which was gross but actually felt good), and when I got off the table I wasn't limping. For the first time in 18 days. My knee didn't hurt, my hip didn't hurt. Nothing.

I did some stretches and easy hip exercises this morning that I have been unable to do without sharp pain. No ibuprofen required. For the first time in 18 days.

Amazing.

So I went to the gym, figuring a treadmill would be the best place for a test run, and ran 1.5 painless miles! I'm back!!! Out of all the miles I've ran, the first ones back from any type of injury are the best.

I had been so worried about this. Wondering what I had done to my knee, what I'd have to do to help it heal (no crutches, please!), and how long I'd be unable to train. I've been injured too many times, and each time is devastating.
It's a bad cycle I get in. Sleep, eating, moods, and exercise are all very much connected and if one of those gets disrupted then usually the others do, too. I'm sure it's the same for everyone, but having Bipolar II, the requirement for routine and balance seems amplified. I think recognizing that helps keep me from getting too off-kilter.

I'm trusting that I haven't lost too much fitness from my time off. And I'm going to be easing into my training slowly, watching for any warning signs of pain in my back, hip, or knee. So far, so good!

Mighty Mite Triathlon Relay Recap (+ injury report)

I spent last week with my family on the beach of Lake Michigan.  There were 8 kids and 9 adults and we kept busy playing at the beach, swimming, flying kites, and taking walks. I even got in a couple of open water swims in Lake Michigan! It was chilly but after the initial shock of cold water on my face, it didn't seem so bad.

Welcome to my pool... I mean, Lake Michigan.

Unfortunately, on the second day I tripped on the beach and hurt my right leg. Initially I had pain from my thigh to lower back, and for a little while I was worried I had a stress fracture in my femur again because of how it was feeling. But each day it got a little bit better and now the pain has mostly settled into my knee. 

Two days before this incident, my friend Phil talked me into running in a triathlon relay the following Saturday. He said between the three of us, we could possibly place first. So we signed up and I was really excited. And then I hurt my leg.

By the time Saturday morning rolled around, I was pretty nervous about running 3 miles. Sure, my leg was feeling better than before, but I was still limping. Had I known Phil and I could have switched the swim and the run we would have planned on that. But until that morning, I hadn't thought that was possible, so I didn't have my swim gear and he didn't have his running shoes. I was stuck. And I was mad that I'd be slowing down their speedy times.

Pre-race. Phil, Glen, me

MightyMite Triathlon has two different transition spots (point-to-point), so I was left at T2 for a couple of hours as they drove to the swim start/ T1. This was my first relay and it was a strange feeling not knowing what was going on out on the course.

Sitting in my car admiring my KT tape waiting for the race to start.

I knew some other runners doing the relay so I waited with them and the last hour went by quickly. I got to see the first few cyclists come into T2, which was really fun to watch. I really would love to volunteer at a race so that I can witness all of this (I really want to volunteer at the Ironman World Championships in Kona). 

In comes Glen- I get the timing chip on my ankle and I'm off.

The first quarter mile hurt, and then suddenly it stopped hurting. So then I went faster and waited. Nope, still no pain. Faster? Still no pain. It was amazing and I ran the whole thing. I think I could have gone faster but I could tell I was dehydrated- after spending the whole day before in a car and limiting my water intake- because my heart rate was 185 for the last mile or so. I finished the 3 miles in 26:36 with a pace of 8:52/mile. On a bad knee. (Last year I ran the same route in 31:54 with a 10:38 pace. Talk about improvement!!)

When I found the guys at the finish we went to the timing tent to check out our results... and we came in first place!!!  I was so glad I didn't let them down.

First place in Mixed Relay!

Overall my knee is feeling better, but it still hurts a little. I've held off on running and I haven't tried riding my bike yet (plan on trying that this afternoon). There was never swelling, I can put full weight on it, and I have full range of motion, so I really don't think anything is horribly wrong with it- I really think it got tweaked from limping, and I kind of think my IT band has something to do with it. 

But still, I'm a ball of emotions today. I don't do well with limited activity and I've barely done anything for two weeks. I want to run, because last Saturday my knee felt better while running than it did while walking, but I also don't want to make anything worse and delay the healing. 

I was starting to get in a funk where I didn't want to do anything- even what I can do like swim and strength train. I'm trying to snap myself out of that before it gets worse. I swam today and I will try out the bike in a little bit. I'm trying to be optimistic that my knee will continue to improve and I'll be running in no time. And I'm thankful I have no other races coming up in the near future. 

Things could have been worse... but I'm still pretty darn anxious about it... optimism and thankfulness is only getting me so far today.

It's official!

Watch out, Texas! Prepare yourself for my Freak Out[s]!

I'm officially registered. This just made it extremely real. Almost too real. And doubt starts to creep in. And excitement. I think equal parts doubt and excitement.

Can you imagine what it feels like crossing the finish line? Chills.



And so on that note, I'm headed to the pool.

Dragonfly Triathlon

Dragonfly Triathlon
June 14, 2014

0.5 mile swim/ 18 mile bike/ 4 mile run

This was one of my favorite races so far. It was a little over an hour from my house so I had to leave by 5:50. It was mid 60s at the start of the race and clear skies. Couldn't ask for anything better. I think I heard the water was 77 degrees. It was a beautiful race site, too, but I didn't get pictures since Nathan was working and I left my phone in the car. 

It's fun to know quite a few people in the running and triathlon communities because I saw a lot of them at the race. 

The swim start was a little bit tricky because of the position of the first green turn buoy and the sun. I swam past the orange buoy that's placed between the shore and the turn buoy for sighting without any difficulties, but then I couldn't see the green buoy anywhere. I was surrounded by swimmers so I figured I was at least somewhat on course. At one point I stopped swimming to look around and a girl next to me did the same. I asked her where the buoy was and somehow she saw it and pointed me in the right direction (which wasn't where I had been headed). Once we made that turn it was easier to see the rest of the buoys. My swim time seemed long for half a mile, especially since I was passing people (I rarely pass people in the water!) A lot of people were saying their times seemed longer than usual, too, so I'm wondering if we all swam off course a bit before the first turn. 

The bike course was flat for the first (and last) 8 miles. There were hills in the middle leading up to the turn around point. I think this is the first time I didn't ride my brakes all the way down the hills!
Around mile 15 I looked behind me to see if anyone was passing and noticed a girl drafting behind me. Drafting in triathlon is illegal, and if race officials catch it happening the person gets a time penalty. Of course there were no race officials around. I kept speeding up a bit, but she always managed to come back up and sit on my wheel again. I was getting mad and I kept looking back at her and she wasn't taking the hint. After a mile or so I shifted into a bigger gear and took off, and finally lost her because she couldn't keep up with me.

My legs felt horrible for the first mile of the run, but I didn't let myself walk. At this point I was feeling competitive, which is unusual, and I wanted to push myself as hard as I could. I think it was because this is probably the last triathlon until the 70.3 next April (I'm really sad about this!) After the first mile we entered the woods for 2 miles of trails. With all the rain we had been getting recently I thought the trail would be really muddy but it was actually in pretty good condition.

Around mile 1.5 my heart rate was 175 and the trail was beginning a slight incline. I slowed down to a fast walk until my heart rate went back under 160 and started running again. The next mile was fun jumping over roots and running down hills. Around mile 2.5 the trail had a steep hill that everyone I saw was walking. I tried running up the hill but ended up walking it, too. After that there was another half mile before we exited the woods and ran the last mile along the same road as we did for mile 1. I was running my fastest pace during that last mile and although I wanted to slow down I convinced myself to keep pushing the pace.

I came in 3rd in my age group! By under a minute. The girl in 4th place was faster than me in both the swim and the bike, but I made up for it with the run. I'm so happy I pushed as hard as I did on the run even though my heart and legs were begging me to slow down. This was the first time I ever placed!

My trophy!
(And- appropriately- a can of peanuts in the background)

The only races left for the rest of the year is a 10 miler in November and the St. Jude Half Marathon in December. I'm really bummed out and keep looking for more triathlons to squeeze into the summer. The only one that would have been able to fit, the Annie Oakley Tri, was cancelled. I've been in a bit of a funk for the last few weeks with my training since nothing is in my immediate future, however, registration for Ironman 70.3 Texas opens on Thursday and that might be the motivation I need!

Navy 10 NM Recap and the Taper for the Dragonfly Tri

It's weird to think that I'm wrapping up racing season and it's only mid-June! Last year I raced May-September and then prepared for the Half Marathon in December (that never happened) with a 10 miler in November. After the Dragonfly Tri on Saturday, I won't have another race until the 10 miler in November!

Yesterday I ran the Navy 10 nautical miler, which is actually about 11.6 road miles. My longest run up until yesterday had only been 6.5 miles so I was a little nervous to add 5 miles to that. But I had to do this race. I wanted to do it last year but it was cancelled. The race fell on the day after the 4th year after my grandpa's death. He was a WWII Navy veteran and I wanted to do this in memory and honor of him.

The race started at 6 am!!! I had to wake up at 4:15!!! I am not a morning person!!! If that doesn't prove my love of running and racing I don't know what will!
Jess and I drove together to the Navy base dark and early. I think this is the first race I didn't have pre-race butterflies. I was strangely at peace, even though I had no idea what to expect as far as how I'd feel, what my finish time would be, or if I was making a mistake and would wind up injured. Those things crossed my mind, but they didn't stick around. I was just really happy to be out there running for my grandpa, and thankful to God for my ability to do this. I've been training a lot and running more frequently than I've ever done before, and I feel strong and healthy. He's brought me from injured to able and I'm so thankful for this.

We got really cool anchor finishing medals!

It was a crowded race, but it didn't feel like it. I fell into an easy pace for the first mile or so to warm up and didn't waste energy trying to get around people. Each mile was progressively faster and I felt really good. Around NM 4.5 I caught up to Don, who I met at a local running group last year, and we ended up running the rest of the race together. I told him my goal was to finish in under 2 hours, so I kept pushing the pace a bit and I think I was dragging him along a little. To be fair, we took a couple walk breaks when he needed them, but not until NM 7 and 9 (I think?). My finish time was 1:57:59!

Me, Jess, and Steph
Those girls killed it! So proud of them.

I'm really proud of myself for this one. To add on 5 miles to my longest run and nearly run the entire thing (the walk breaks were short) is huge for me. I just think back to when walking to the mailbox was a challenge. To go from walking to the mailbox to running 10 NM? Seriously? God is good.

I miss my grandparents and I'm glad I could do this.

I'm surprisingly not too sore today. I really only feel it in my quads. I'll be taking it fairly easy this week since it's a taper week for Dragonfly on Saturday! Today is just a swim day so my quads will get a day off.
It's supposed to rain and thunderstorm all the way until Saturday. I'm mentally preparing for another muddy triathlon. At least this time it should be warmer than the Oly a few weeks ago! I can handle the mud and rain. It ends with a 4 mile trail run, so I'm picturing slip-and-slide mud running. It'll be fun!