One Year From Today

I may have lost my mind.  But maybe not.  But maybe.  Maybe I’m comparing my current self to my old limitations.

I’m planning on doing Ironman 70.3 Texas next April.  Actually, I’m currently watching the finishers cross the line for this year’s race, after swimming 1.2 miles, biking  56 miles, and running 13.1 miles (the professional won in 3:46).  What am I getting myself into?  I have a year.  A FULL YEAR.  Anything is possible in a year, isn't it? 

I’m healthier now, but under that is the fear that any day my health might go away. 

I shouldn't be as active as I am now.  I shouldn't have run a half marathon, a few 10Ks, and 4 sprint Triathlons.  I shouldn't be training for my first Olympic Triathlon.  I shouldn't have finished college or have a full time job.  At least I never thought so.  When I was in 10^th grade I got sick with what we thought was the flu, only I never actually recovered from it. 

Doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.  Most of them thought I was making it up.  But I was exhausted.  Not just tired.  Exhausted.  Some days I struggled to sit up, to stand up long enough for a shower,  or to bring a spoon of cereal up to my mouth.  My body hurt with fatigue.  I could only manage half days at school because I didn't have the energy to stay all day.  And we all decided it was best to home school for 11^th and 12^th grade since finishing 10^th was so difficult.  And even that took longer than expected, and delayed my graduation by a year.

I was so scared.  If I was too sick to even finish High School on time, how was I ever going to make it through college?  How would I ever hold down a full time job?  How how how how?  All of this made me hate my body for holding me back from my potential.

This was back when Lance Armstrong was still America’s encouraging Hero. He gave me hope that one day I’d come back stronger than before. It’s when I fell in love with the Tour de France- I was just amazed at what the human body is capable of (and still am!).  For me,  I decided  my comeback Tour de France would be a Half Marathon.  I thought- if I can manage that, then I’ll be healthy again.  That will prove I've come back and that I’m better than before.

After four years, God brought me to the right doctors. Even though none of my doctors could/can really figure out what’s wrong.  It’s some sort of sleeping disorder related to Narcolepsy that might have some autoimmune component.  No one really knows yet.  But with the right medication (and a lot of coffee!), I can function.

But by then, my hatred of my body, and a vast array of other things, led to anorexia.  By the time I was hospitalized at 21, I was on the brink of osteoporosis- resulting in 6 femoral stress fractures, and so many in my tibias I lost count (I've had recent ones unrelated to bone density).  I wasn't allowed to run until my bones were stronger, which, coupled with my stubbornness, was a blessing in disguise, because you know what?  my dream of finishing a Half Marathon was what helped me to recover from my eating disorder.  I knew if I didn't recover I could never have my “Tour de France” comeback moment.  And I wasn't about to allow my body to ruin another goal of mine. 

So  I put everything into recovery.  I refused to believe that full recovery was impossible like so many think. Within a year my bone loss was reversed, which my doctor wasn't expecting.

It took a little longer for full recovery, but I did it.   I’m one of the lucky ones.  I survived the deadliest mental illness.  Like I said, I shouldn't be doing what I do.

By God’s grace and the support of my awesome family, I graduated college Summa Cum Laude, and I landed a job at one of the best hospitals in the world.  I ran my “Tour de France” Half Marathon in 2012, and became a Triathlete the following spring.  Endurance sports helped me so much in my eating disorder recovery.  Not only was it the motivation I needed to keep my bones strong, I knew I couldn't train if I wasn't fueling my body properly.  It’s taught me to work with my body instead of against it.  3 hour workouts no longer qualify as ‘over exercising’ since they’re focused, well fueled, and with the purpose of building strength and not breaking my body down.   

How do you even say “Thank you” to God for that?  For my future? For my health?  For my recovery?  I don’t really know.  But I know that when I’m training and racing and doing all of these things, it’s as though I’m showing God that I am not taking my health for granted.  If I have the ability, I’m not going to waste it.  And that’s how I say thank you.  My training is prayer in motion.

Last week I was asked “have you picked your Half Ironman yet?” and I laughed and said no.  It seemed like a distant dream.  A “someday” goal that would maybe happen.  “Someday” I’d get to put a 70.3 sticker on my car.  But out of curiosity I started looking, and I decided Ironman 70.3 Texas would be good for my first Half (does saying “first” imply there will be a second?  Oh, no!).  And the more I thought about it, the more that April 2015 was as good a year as any.

I think I decided for sure last night.  But sometimes when I think of it I feel nauseous, other times I get emotional and tear up.  After all, endurance sports mean a lot to me.

So begins my journey.

At the finish of my "Tour de France" Half Marathon.