Sometimes, this isn't fun.

I am worn out. This week my training volume decreased by an hour and a half, but the intensity increased a lot.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were about pushing myself as hard as I could to find my new edge. I found it and now I want a nap.

I had time trials in all three disciplines to adjust my training paces/heart rates/zones, since over time they will naturally (hopefully) improve.

I'm excited to report that my times have all drastically improved in the last 5 weeks. I'm really surprised and pleased with my progress. I have never swam or ran as fast as I am now... it's exciting!

But this week took so much out of me. Today I was scheduled for 90 minute bike ride followed by a 20 minute run. A lot of the bike was supposed to be in zone 3 and 4, which I managed for about 30 minutes. But then I had nothing left. I spent the next 30 minutes in zone 2 and was struggling. My legs didn't want to do what I was telling them to do. It was so frustrating. I ended my ride after just an hour and put on my running shoes... and then immediately took off my running shoes, showered, and got dressed for the day. I am so tired- even mentally tired. I love running the most of all three, so when I was dreading the run that's how I knew it wasn't in the cards at that moment.

I'm going to take it easy for a few hours and make sure I'm hydrated (might be part of my problem). I'm not giving up on my workout today, but I need a break. Later this afternoon I might finish my 30 minute ride and then run, or just do my run. Or maybe neither.

I'm really frustrated. On paper, my training doesn't look that hard. I was ready for it when I hopped on my bike this morning. I wanted to push myself today, but my body just wasn't cooperating with me.

It makes me doubt myself, my abilities, and my goals. If I can't finish a 90 minute bike ride, how I am I going to make it 56 miles next year? It scares me, and makes me angry. Angry that my body can't do what a healthy person's body would be able to do.

It helps a little to look back at the progress I have made. I've done a 2+hr ride followed immediately by a 4 mile run. I did that! Just last week! I am capable... just under the right circumstances.

This week was hard- it was supposed to be (yesterday I actually did all three: a hard ride (my time trial) followed by an easy run, and then later that night a really hard swim). And now to expect my legs to perform as well as they did last week, which was less intense, maybe isn't realistic. For me, anyway.

Maybe I have to reevaluate my training schedule. Maybe my harder rides need to be at the beginning of the week when I have slightly fresher legs (Sundays are my only off day). And maybe I just can't ride two days in a row. Or maybe when I don't have three time trials next week I'll be able to handle it better.

Maybe I have to stop comparing myself to other athletes that can go out and ride several hours at a time with no rest days in between. I'm not like other athletes. My body needs more rest than other athletes. It's just hard for me to accept that.

I hate limitations.

I guess it's God's way of teaching me patience and acceptance. And maybe even trust.

Today, triathlon isn't fun. Today, triathlon is exhausting and scary. It's a good thing there are only 12 more hours left of today, because I'm hoping triathlon is fun again tomorrow (or even again this afternoon).