Sometimes, this isn't fun.

I am worn out. This week my training volume decreased by an hour and a half, but the intensity increased a lot.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were about pushing myself as hard as I could to find my new edge. I found it and now I want a nap.

I had time trials in all three disciplines to adjust my training paces/heart rates/zones, since over time they will naturally (hopefully) improve.

I'm excited to report that my times have all drastically improved in the last 5 weeks. I'm really surprised and pleased with my progress. I have never swam or ran as fast as I am now... it's exciting!

But this week took so much out of me. Today I was scheduled for 90 minute bike ride followed by a 20 minute run. A lot of the bike was supposed to be in zone 3 and 4, which I managed for about 30 minutes. But then I had nothing left. I spent the next 30 minutes in zone 2 and was struggling. My legs didn't want to do what I was telling them to do. It was so frustrating. I ended my ride after just an hour and put on my running shoes... and then immediately took off my running shoes, showered, and got dressed for the day. I am so tired- even mentally tired. I love running the most of all three, so when I was dreading the run that's how I knew it wasn't in the cards at that moment.

I'm going to take it easy for a few hours and make sure I'm hydrated (might be part of my problem). I'm not giving up on my workout today, but I need a break. Later this afternoon I might finish my 30 minute ride and then run, or just do my run. Or maybe neither.

I'm really frustrated. On paper, my training doesn't look that hard. I was ready for it when I hopped on my bike this morning. I wanted to push myself today, but my body just wasn't cooperating with me.

It makes me doubt myself, my abilities, and my goals. If I can't finish a 90 minute bike ride, how I am I going to make it 56 miles next year? It scares me, and makes me angry. Angry that my body can't do what a healthy person's body would be able to do.

It helps a little to look back at the progress I have made. I've done a 2+hr ride followed immediately by a 4 mile run. I did that! Just last week! I am capable... just under the right circumstances.

This week was hard- it was supposed to be (yesterday I actually did all three: a hard ride (my time trial) followed by an easy run, and then later that night a really hard swim). And now to expect my legs to perform as well as they did last week, which was less intense, maybe isn't realistic. For me, anyway.

Maybe I have to reevaluate my training schedule. Maybe my harder rides need to be at the beginning of the week when I have slightly fresher legs (Sundays are my only off day). And maybe I just can't ride two days in a row. Or maybe when I don't have three time trials next week I'll be able to handle it better.

Maybe I have to stop comparing myself to other athletes that can go out and ride several hours at a time with no rest days in between. I'm not like other athletes. My body needs more rest than other athletes. It's just hard for me to accept that.

I hate limitations.

I guess it's God's way of teaching me patience and acceptance. And maybe even trust.

Today, triathlon isn't fun. Today, triathlon is exhausting and scary. It's a good thing there are only 12 more hours left of today, because I'm hoping triathlon is fun again tomorrow (or even again this afternoon).

Counting Down to Three Races

To clarify: the training I am doing right now is for my first Olympic Triathlon (1.5k, 40k bike, 10k run) that is 5 weeks from yesterday!  It's the longest distance I've tackled so far. Actual training for the Half Ironman won't start for a while, but I plan on building a good base and strength to help prevent any injuries.

Speaking of Texas 70.3, they released the date for next year: April 26th. I have over a year to prepare! (53 weeks and 6 days)

Today I signed up for the 2014 St. Jude Half Marathon (236 days away).  Maybe 3rd time is the charm. The first two times were a little weird. I injured my foot training in 2012 and had to run the race untrained (I had been cycling and swimming a lot, though, and that helped), and then last year I developed a femoral neck stress fracture a couple weeks before the race... which ended up being cancelled anyway due to a Memphis ice storm!

I was undecided about running it this year. It's a really great race, and for a really great cause, so I wanted to do it, but it's also 5 months out from Texas 70.3 and I don't have a very good injury record.
Ultimately, I knew I'd regret it if I didn't register. I've also learned a lot about my last few injuries and I think I know how to avoid future ones.

My last injury, the stress fracture, was caused from being hamstring dominant. My hamstrings were too strong and so my glutes, adductors, abductors, and- to some extent- my quads were weaker because they could be. I was evaluated by a physical therapist after my doctor finally cleared me to run a couple months ago and was astonished by what he was showing me. I knew I wasn't the strongest person around, but I didn't know I was that weak, either! He said he wasn't surprised I broke my femur where I did. My muscles weren't there to take the impact of running like they should be, so my bones were taking most of the force. He gave me a long list of exercises to do and said as long as I increase my strength there is no reason why I have to give up long distance running!  So I'm holding him to that.

I don't think I'll train as much as I did last year for it and will be more relaxed about my goal finishing time (last year I was aiming for 2 hours or less). I'll train, but I won't do runs longer than 8 or 9 miles, and I'll rely heavily on swimming, cycling, and strength training to increase my cardiovascular ability and muscle strength and limit the impact on my legs.
I'll also be relying heavily on God's help, so keep those prayers coming!

My fortune from last week.

Adaptability

Yesterday, my training plan called for a swim and a run. Did I swim or run yesterday? Nope.

Anyone with a chronic illness knows life is a balancing act.  We only have so much energy on any given day and it can be a delicate balance trying to prioritize and budget that energy. Even though I am so much better than I was in high school, I'm still not cured. I'm still tired all the time, it's just not as severe as before. Plus, I've had 12 years to learn how to live with it and I'm used to a certain level of fatigue.

This past week I haven't been able to sleep well.  Not that I ever actually get quality sleep, but lately I haven't been getting a good quantity of sleep, either.

So I woke up on Monday with the intentions of going to the gym. I was even extra motivated because I had just announced my Half Ironman plan. But I never went. At first, I felt guilty not training yesterday after what I wrote about this being my prayer and having all these big goals. But that's not what it's about. Skipping a workout doesn't make me less thankful to God. It's being responsible and protecting myself.

I just didn't have it in me. I knew I had to work that afternoon, and I was too worn out and my body was saying "please just rest today". So I listened.

Luckily my training plan is flexible and I can-within reason- move things around, so I did my swim and run today. I am so glad I didn't do them yesterday.

Today, I felt awesome in the water and did a little more than my training plan called for because I was having fun. Yesterday, I don't know if I would have even made it through the whole session or even made my interval times.

I followed that up with a great run that I couldn't have done yesterday, either.

It's about being adaptable.  About knowing when to give yourself a little extra rest, and change plans accordingly. It's not giving in, being weak, or being lazy. I've adjusted this week's training plan a few times already and it's only Tuesday, and I'm okay with that.

Had the pool to myself today.

One Year From Today

I may have lost my mind.  But maybe not.  But maybe.  Maybe I’m comparing my current self to my old limitations.

I’m planning on doing Ironman 70.3 Texas next April.  Actually, I’m currently watching the finishers cross the line for this year’s race, after swimming 1.2 miles, biking  56 miles, and running 13.1 miles (the professional won in 3:46).  What am I getting myself into?  I have a year.  A FULL YEAR.  Anything is possible in a year, isn't it? 

I’m healthier now, but under that is the fear that any day my health might go away. 

I shouldn't be as active as I am now.  I shouldn't have run a half marathon, a few 10Ks, and 4 sprint Triathlons.  I shouldn't be training for my first Olympic Triathlon.  I shouldn't have finished college or have a full time job.  At least I never thought so.  When I was in 10^th grade I got sick with what we thought was the flu, only I never actually recovered from it. 

Doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.  Most of them thought I was making it up.  But I was exhausted.  Not just tired.  Exhausted.  Some days I struggled to sit up, to stand up long enough for a shower,  or to bring a spoon of cereal up to my mouth.  My body hurt with fatigue.  I could only manage half days at school because I didn't have the energy to stay all day.  And we all decided it was best to home school for 11^th and 12^th grade since finishing 10^th was so difficult.  And even that took longer than expected, and delayed my graduation by a year.

I was so scared.  If I was too sick to even finish High School on time, how was I ever going to make it through college?  How would I ever hold down a full time job?  How how how how?  All of this made me hate my body for holding me back from my potential.

This was back when Lance Armstrong was still America’s encouraging Hero. He gave me hope that one day I’d come back stronger than before. It’s when I fell in love with the Tour de France- I was just amazed at what the human body is capable of (and still am!).  For me,  I decided  my comeback Tour de France would be a Half Marathon.  I thought- if I can manage that, then I’ll be healthy again.  That will prove I've come back and that I’m better than before.

After four years, God brought me to the right doctors. Even though none of my doctors could/can really figure out what’s wrong.  It’s some sort of sleeping disorder related to Narcolepsy that might have some autoimmune component.  No one really knows yet.  But with the right medication (and a lot of coffee!), I can function.

But by then, my hatred of my body, and a vast array of other things, led to anorexia.  By the time I was hospitalized at 21, I was on the brink of osteoporosis- resulting in 6 femoral stress fractures, and so many in my tibias I lost count (I've had recent ones unrelated to bone density).  I wasn't allowed to run until my bones were stronger, which, coupled with my stubbornness, was a blessing in disguise, because you know what?  my dream of finishing a Half Marathon was what helped me to recover from my eating disorder.  I knew if I didn't recover I could never have my “Tour de France” comeback moment.  And I wasn't about to allow my body to ruin another goal of mine. 

So  I put everything into recovery.  I refused to believe that full recovery was impossible like so many think. Within a year my bone loss was reversed, which my doctor wasn't expecting.

It took a little longer for full recovery, but I did it.   I’m one of the lucky ones.  I survived the deadliest mental illness.  Like I said, I shouldn't be doing what I do.

By God’s grace and the support of my awesome family, I graduated college Summa Cum Laude, and I landed a job at one of the best hospitals in the world.  I ran my “Tour de France” Half Marathon in 2012, and became a Triathlete the following spring.  Endurance sports helped me so much in my eating disorder recovery.  Not only was it the motivation I needed to keep my bones strong, I knew I couldn't train if I wasn't fueling my body properly.  It’s taught me to work with my body instead of against it.  3 hour workouts no longer qualify as ‘over exercising’ since they’re focused, well fueled, and with the purpose of building strength and not breaking my body down.   

How do you even say “Thank you” to God for that?  For my future? For my health?  For my recovery?  I don’t really know.  But I know that when I’m training and racing and doing all of these things, it’s as though I’m showing God that I am not taking my health for granted.  If I have the ability, I’m not going to waste it.  And that’s how I say thank you.  My training is prayer in motion.

Last week I was asked “have you picked your Half Ironman yet?” and I laughed and said no.  It seemed like a distant dream.  A “someday” goal that would maybe happen.  “Someday” I’d get to put a 70.3 sticker on my car.  But out of curiosity I started looking, and I decided Ironman 70.3 Texas would be good for my first Half (does saying “first” imply there will be a second?  Oh, no!).  And the more I thought about it, the more that April 2015 was as good a year as any.

I think I decided for sure last night.  But sometimes when I think of it I feel nauseous, other times I get emotional and tear up.  After all, endurance sports mean a lot to me.

So begins my journey.

At the finish of my "Tour de France" Half Marathon.