Reality Check

I like to pretend I don't have any health issues, and then I overdo it and reality smacks me in the face.

My training has been going pretty well. Tuesday was my long run which, thanks to an unexpected detour, was 11 instead of 10 miles. I felt strong, and was running faster than my scheduled easy pace- even in that last mile. Which means it's time for another running time trial assessment to readjust my paces! I'll do that either Friday or Monday.

I had a phone consultation with a coach through my training system. We talked about paces and goal times for my two races.  I have a projected finish time for the Half Ironman based on my current data, and she thinks I can knock more than 30 minutes off that time by April. She also gave me a predicted half marathon time for December... It's all very exciting but I'm keeping these goal times to myself because I'm putting enough pressure on myself to reach these goals... I don't want external pressure added in! But after the races I'll post the times. All of this is getting me very excited, though!

So back to over doing it.

I've been super congested from allergies and getting the Flu-mist vaccine on Friday (they were out of the injections. boo). I've had a steady intake of Claritin and pseudofed and still can't always breathe out of my nose. Finally today I woke up and could breathe, so I think the worst is over.

Monday morning I had an hour long interval session on my bike with a 20 minute brick run. Then I had an hour in the pool. From there I went straight to work.
Then I ran the 11 miles on Tuesday morning, and then went to the zoo to see the bats, monkeys, and sloths (and other animals) and walked around with Bethany for about 4 hours.
It was a really fun day, but I think it was too much activity and not enough rest for my body to fully recover from the run.

So Wednesday I woke up with my painful exhaustion. The fatigue that no amount of coffee can undo. The reminder that I'm not as healthy as I pretend to be.
I did the dishes and some laundry, but that was all could really manage. So Wednesday's swim was moved back to today.

I felt better when I woke up this morning and made it to the pool. My swim was really good. I finished the whole set and hit every single one of my interval times. But that took most of my energy and I only did half of my bike ride. I'm hoping to do the other half Saturday morning.

It's hard to figure out my priority between the swim, bike, and run... to know which one to do when I have limited energy. They are all priorities but for different reasons. I'm making good progress with swimming and don't want to lose those gains. I'm definitely weakest on the bike so obviously that needs the most work and I guess should be my priority, But the half marathon is only 6 weeks away so I feel like my run needs to be my focus.

I try not to get frustrated when my body responds this way. I'm asking a lot out of it with these crazy goals I've given myself. I try to be gentle with it, giving it the nutrition and hydration and rest that it needs. It's hard to find a balance with my recovery needs and with life.
There were a lot of factors going against me this week, though. I spent Wednesday resting and trying to recover enough to keep training and working and living.

I'm so much better than I was 10 years ago. And I am so thankful for that. Sometimes it takes having a bad day to remember how far you've come. And remembering that gives me hope for the future. 10 years ago I would have needed more than just one day of rest to recover from Tuesday. Am I 100% today? No, not at all. But am I better than yesterday? Yes. So maybe that needs to be my focus.

Perspective.
Reality.

2012 St. Jude Half Marathon

Back to "Normal"

It's been two months? Really? Where did time go?

My training is finally back on track. It took a while after my summer breakdown. The first week I managed 100% of my training was a big deal for me. It almost didn't happen- I had made it all the way to Saturday and then that morning I was so tired and didn't want to ride my bike before work. But there were only 50 minutes standing in my way, so I got up and did it. I needed a week of 100% after weeks of almost nothing.

That didn't happen until my moods finally evened out and the anxiety lessened so I was able to get back to the pool. For a while I couldn't even swim because having my heart rate elevate while I couldn't always breathe felt too much like anxiety and would actually cause anxiety. So my first full swim was a big deal, too. 

Mini celebrations- I'll take them when I can get them.

Nathan and I went home to Michigan in September for his sister’s wedding. I was afraid the trip would alter my moods with the change in my routine. I felt somewhat stable going into the trip, but I didn't trust the stability. I felt like at any moment my level of okay-ness would shatter.

So I brought my bike and my run shoes and managed a few rides and a few runs and that seemed to be enough to keep me on track.

A nice view to have for 8 miles

Road bikes and dirt roads don't mix, so my trainer was packed, too.
Had a nice view from the deck

Since then I've had a couple weeks of 9+ hours. A couple of them weren't 100% finished because of migraines or exhaustion, but for the most part I'm keeping up pretty well.

It’s felt good to finally feel like I've accomplished something. 

A couple weeks ago I got aero bars for my bike! Up until today I've only used them while on the trainer, but today I finally used them outside. Talk about freaking out! I was so scared! But I did it, and I didn't fall! I was going a lot slower than normal- which defeats the purpose- but hopefully I'll get more comfortable with them and with going faster.

The half marathon is only 7 weeks away! That’s practically tomorrow with the way time has been going lately.

And then to think what happens immediately after the half marathon…. Half Ironman training! Crazy.

Physically I'm feeling pretty good. I had a 10 mile run on Tuesday with an hour bike ride afterwards and wasn't even sore the next day. The run felt easy, too. Not that 10 miles is "easy" but I felt like I could have kept going, if that makes sense.  I'll take that as a good sign. I'm feeling good about the half marathon. I'm excited to see if I'm capable of finishing by my goal time. Only 7 weeks!

A Glimpse into my Messy Training Plan

Wow, once again I am blown away by the encouragement and "me, too!"s I've received. Thank you. I never knew my words mattered.

I thought after last post that I'd leave it alone. I brought up mental illness and got people talking. Now it's time to go back to my Triathlon Blog. Yay, triathlons! Yay, running! But then a friend made me realize something. This blog is to track my journey to 70.3 Texas- and it's already included a few posts about physical illness and injuries. So I'd be a hypocrite to leave out the bipolar and it's affect on my training plan, because it's altered my training just as much as an injury would. I want to be able to go back next year and read this blog and look at what it took to get to the finish line. I can't just leave out this part of my life. So this is more for me to document the struggles of training than anything else.

And... my training log is a mess.

Aside from the missing week in my training plan from vacation and taking it easy because of my leg injury, I have other missing weeks in my training plan, too And not because I didn't train, but because I never bothered logging in and recording my data. Again, with the apathy. And then even when I've done training sessions, they haven't always matched my plan. Or I just never was able to do them, like Tuesday when I was too manic to sit still long enough to ever get on my bike (more on that in a minute).

Yesterday I wrote the following to a friend of mine, "Now I want my blog to say:' ____ this ____ ultra rapid cycling ____.'  But I don't think that would be as well received."
She told me I could say that if I took out certain words, so there you go. You can fill in the blanks. Everyone loves Mad Libs, right?

When I last left the story I was doing a little bit better. That was Monday.

Tuesday I woke up feeling okay. Not great, but okay. And then I was determined to have a good bike ride whether or not I felt like it. I pumped my tires, filled my water bottle, got all ready to go and realized my Garmin watch was dead. So I decided while I let that charge to at least 25% I'd start rearranging some furniture I've been wanting to move for a while. So I started doing that, and once I started I figured I should finish. And then since I had to make a mess of the first room to do that, I had to go back and reorganize that room. And then I'd see another project and do that, and then I'd see something and think "oh, that will only take 5 minutes, I'll do that real fast, too".

Go go go go go. Can't stop. Go go go. I kept thinking "after I finish vacuuming I'll ride my bike" and then it became "after I finish the dishes, I'll ride my bike". And so on.

And before I knew it the entire house was clean, I never sat down, I never rode my bike and Jess and Glen were about to be at my house so we could head out to the lake for a swim. (at least my watch was 100% charged?). I didn't sit until Jess got to my house. And then I realized I never sat still long enough to eat lunch so I ate something while we waited for Glen so I could get through the swim.  The swim was good- about 40 minutes of a mystery distance (we took a different route than usual and our watches disagreed). By the time I got home I felt myself coming down. But not all the way down. Just partly down. A mixed state.

So let me give you a brief lesson about cycling. And not the bike kind of cycling.

Rapid cycling is four significant mood shifts within a year. Ultra rapid cycling is mood shifts within weeks or days. Within the same day. That's what I do. (Apparently the faster shifts are termed 'ultradian'. I hadn't heard of that before).

There is also a mixed state where [hypo]mania and depressive symptoms occur at the same time. Imagine a depressed person drinking 10 energy drinks. They're still depressed but now they can't sit still. Their speech is pressured and rushed. They want to do everything and nothing. That's what I do, too.

Yay.

This makes me laugh. It shouldn't. But it does.
But look at what my brain does. Brain, what are you thinking?

So then Wednesday. I woke up feeling mildly okay. When Nathan asked, that's what I told him. I wasn't great, but I wasn't horrible. Not even 10 minutes later an anxiety attack hit and so did a massive urge to self-harm. I grabbed my anxiety medication and luckily Nathan was walking by just at that moment. I hugged him while I waited to stop shaking. Then I held his hands so that my hands were occupied. Shout out to Nathan- he's amazingly supportive. We decided to play Guitar Hero for a while, again to keep my hands occupied.

The rest of the afternoon wasn't great. Embarrassingly, I stayed in bed for most of it and didn't manage to eat lunch until 4. I had plans to run with a local running group at 6, but by 4:30 I was getting anxious again and couldn't imagine running 5 miles or even putting forth the effort to get there. I decided to at least get my running clothes on so that I'd be ready if I changed my mind at the last minute. Which I did. I didn't want to, but ultimately I knew I shouldn't be alone that long (Nathan was at work). And Jess was going to be there and being with a friend helps.

We ran/walked our 5 miles and talked the whole time. It was good and it helped.

So to go back to my training plan since this is a triathlon blog (sometimes?): I wasn't scheduled for a 5 mile run/walk yesterday. And guess what? I never rode my bike, either.

I don't know how I am today yet. I guess I'm mildly okay again. It's unsettling because I never know what the next minute will be.
I'm going to attempt a swim today. And depending on how that goes, and if I'm feeling ambitious possibly a run and/or bike ride, too. Because this is what my week looked like:

Monday: Nothing
Tuesday: 40 minute lake swim - no bike
Wednesday: 5 mile run/walk - no bike
Thursday: ?
Friday: work 12 hours- attempt a bike ride before work?
Saturday: work 12 hours -attempt a run before work?
Sunday: work 12 hours- off (Mass before work)

I won't bore you with what my training is SUPPOSED to look like, but I'll just say that it looks nothing like that. No where close. Out of 7.5 hours, I've done less than 2.

Hey, my training looks just like it would if I were injured or had a cold. Oh hey, there is no difference. The only difference is that no one can see my brain (wouldn't that be cool, though?).
Because mental illness is real. So keep talking about it.

When Freak Outs become Major.

And now for something completely different.

I actually wrote most of this a few days ago, but decided not to post it. It seemed too much.

But now with recent events of another public suicide I felt like I had to. Why do I feel okay talking about a hurt knee or sleep disorder, but not my "hurt" brain? There isn't a difference. There is too much stigma attached to mental illness. So why shouldn't I write about it? Depression in an equal opportunity illness. None of us is immune.

Our secrets keep us sick. And it took me way too many years to realize that.

I briefly mentioned in my last post that I have bipolar II. Bipolar II is different than bipolar I in that bipolar II has hypomanic episodes as opposed to full blown manic episodes. Unfortunately, the depression and anxiety gets just as severe in both. I wish it was the other way around… although I wish I didn't have it at all.

I realized this morning that it's been roughly 14 years since I started experiencing depression. That makes it half of my life. It's a dark and lonely place to be. So dark sometimes that I was suicidal, but thankfully I never followed through. And I've already talked about my eating disorder- part of that was how I coped. Somehow self-destruction helped. 

For the last few years I've been relatively stable. I've had some ups and downs here and there but I've been able to get through them. My medication hasn't changed, I haven’t needed therapy, and I haven’t been self-destructive. It’s been nice. 

Well, that all changed a few weeks ago. I started noticing my mood shifting and I tried to wait it out, thinking it was just another 'blip' on the radar. I thought once I got back into a routine everything would be fine again. I tried to put on a smile and hide it until it went away. Except that wasn't happening and I seemed to be getting worse as the days went on.

I was anxious all the time, for no reason. That’s honestly the most frustrating part of all this. If there was a reason to be anxious or depressed, I could deal with the issue or talk about it and be fine. But there isn't any issue to fix and there isn't anything wrong to talk about. It’s just my brain deciding to be that way and there isn't anything I can do about it. So I start getting angry and start hating everything- including myself.

I think this is such an important thing for people to realize and understand. Nothing externally has to be wrong for depression to hit. There doesn't have to be an anxious situation for an anxiety attack to hit. It’s our bodies' fight-or-flight response going hay-wire. It’s beyond our control.

So lately it’s been a mixture of depression and anxiety. I've had a hard time eating this past week, too. That's not to say I'm falling back into an eating disorder- I just haven’t cared that I was hungry, and getting up and making something to eat was just too much work. It was easier to just stay where I was and not care. That’s made training hard. Keeping up on a 20 mile bike ride followed by a 3 mile run was challenging last Thursday with very little fuel and hydration.

And it’s been hard to leave the house- not in an agoraphobic way- but just in a way I felt too anxious and didn't want to be around people or deal with things, and partly the apathy of not caring whether or not errands got done. It was too much work and included being around too many people. I hate people sometimes. Not the individual people, but people as a whole. Being alone was safer. Easier.

Hyperbole and a Half

I had my 6 month checkup with my psychiatrist last week. Good timing, I suppose. Except he didn't seem to understand the severity of what I was dealing with- probably due to my apathy of not caring what either one of us said. I probably wasn't advocating for myself very well. But I did tell him I had urges to self-harm and he just said running should help replace bad coping methods. Essentially he thought running can provide the release that self-injury otherwise would have provided. Which isn't true, but I didn't want to argue.
And he said since I have a history of feeling worse in the spring and summer (seriously, how weird is that) and that since it was almost fall, I should be okay soon. He wasn't going to change anything and I could come back in 6 months for my next routine checkup. I didn't really like that answer but I didn't bother to tell him that. I just said ‘OK’ and left. But then I was mad and cried and felt hopeless. Was I really supposed to feel like this all the way to fall when hopefully, if I was lucky, I would do better? It’s the beginning of August- that’s not almost fall.

A few days later I was feeling even worse and I was convinced to call my doctor and explain to him that how we left that appointment was not okay. That running cannot be considered a good way of coping since I cannot run every minute of every day. That I can’t wait until the fall to feel better. And that things were getting worse. So he adjusted my medication. For the first time in 4 or 5 years.

That’s the other bad thing about mental illness. Finding the right medication is trial and error. What works for someone doesn't work for someone else. And what works for 5 years might eventually stop working. Again, I think this is really important for friends and family to understand. Nothing externally has to change for moods to shift. It’s probably nothing you did and there probably isn't much you can do about it. It’s that our brains flipped a switch one day and decided to do something different for a while.
We can't force it to get to better, or pray or hope it away. I thought for a long time that I wasn't praying hard enough, or that God wasn't listening to me because I wasn't getting better (although I'm sure God played a role in keeping me alive). Prayer can offer some peace and hope, but it takes more than that. There isn't much we can do to flip the switch back to where it was, except to be honest with a treatment team and try to do something about it before it gets worse.

So I’m trying to keep on being a functioning member of society. I trained with friends last week so that I would actually leave the house and have to be at a certain place at a certain time and do certain things. I plan on doing that again this week, otherwise I’d probably be doing nothing. I usually don’t need accountability with workouts, but right now I need the help.

I’m trying to be patient. I’m trying to hope the medication change will help. Both the immediate action one and the long term one. But the anxiety can be crippling and I wish I had an immediate fix. I think it's starting to help since my urges to self-harm have lessened- that tends to be my gauge of how I'm doing.

So yes. I say all of this to help break the stigma. It needs to be talked about.

This time around my depression didn't get to the point of feeling suicidal, but it could have if I let it go on longer. I would never ever follow through, but the fact that the thoughts creep in is unsettling.
Why do we allow ourselves to think we're the only ones and feel we can't get help? It's the illness. It does that to us. But we're not alone and we can get help. And it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Get help if you need it. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy- it's not always easy, and the trial-and-error method of medication can be frustrating, and working through things can be difficult, but it's worth it.
There is always hope, even if you can't find any hope in your darkness, trust me, it's there. It's worth fighting for.

A little humor never hurts.

Hyperbole and a Half

I'm Back!

I woke up today for the first time in almost 3 weeks without pain!

On Monday I went to an orthopedic doctor about my knee pain. I was really nervous because I think knees are disgusting and just seeing my x-ray made me feel sick. After a quick glance I kept staring at the wall until he took the images down. I am fully aware that this is weird, but I can't help it! Meniscus! Patellas! Gross!

Anyway, the x-ray didn't show any fractures, and he pushed and pulled and twisted my knee around (blech) and said my ligaments (blech) felt normal, and said I probably didn't damage my meniscus (blech) because I would have had some swelling and probably couldn't have run 6 days after the injury. (I'm shuddering as I write this.)

My options were to keep taking ibuprofen and resting it and come back in 2 weeks (or sooner if it got worse), get a cortisol injection in my knee (oh heck no!), take a 6 day course of oral steroids, or get an MRI. I chose ibuprofen, rest, and the follow up appointment.

I didn't really like the outcome of the appointment, though. I was glad it appeared my knee was fine, but then why was I having knee pain? And if nothing was wrong, why have I been eating ibuprofen like candy for two weeks? It just didn't make sense.

Tuesday I had a therapeutic massage to try to help my muscles that were still tight and sore. She uses this awesome technique called Active Release Technique (ART). Amazing. It's really helped me through a lot of aches and pains and is so effective. During this, though, my hip started hurting a lot. My hip and back have been achy, but I attributed that to constant limping. This is how she discovered that my right hip was higher than my left and my pelvis was slightly rotated. This was a huge TA-DA! moment.

It made sense that my hip was pushed up after my initial awkward half fall thing I did. And that explained why I had such intense pain in my low back, hip, quad, IT band, and knee that first day and lingering pain in those areas ever since. And come to find out, knee pain is a very common symptom of having a tilted pelvis because of the strain placed on the connecting muscles (the thigh bone is connected to the hip bone...). So basically, this explained why I was having knee pain even though there was nothing structurally wrong with my knee (blech).

I went to my chiropractor yesterday- who also uses ART (seriously, it's amazing)- and he got my hip back into place. He used ART to stretch my hip, quad, hamstring, and knee (which was gross but actually felt good), and when I got off the table I wasn't limping. For the first time in 18 days. My knee didn't hurt, my hip didn't hurt. Nothing.

I did some stretches and easy hip exercises this morning that I have been unable to do without sharp pain. No ibuprofen required. For the first time in 18 days.

Amazing.

So I went to the gym, figuring a treadmill would be the best place for a test run, and ran 1.5 painless miles! I'm back!!! Out of all the miles I've ran, the first ones back from any type of injury are the best.

I had been so worried about this. Wondering what I had done to my knee, what I'd have to do to help it heal (no crutches, please!), and how long I'd be unable to train. I've been injured too many times, and each time is devastating.
It's a bad cycle I get in. Sleep, eating, moods, and exercise are all very much connected and if one of those gets disrupted then usually the others do, too. I'm sure it's the same for everyone, but having Bipolar II, the requirement for routine and balance seems amplified. I think recognizing that helps keep me from getting too off-kilter.

I'm trusting that I haven't lost too much fitness from my time off. And I'm going to be easing into my training slowly, watching for any warning signs of pain in my back, hip, or knee. So far, so good!

Mighty Mite Triathlon Relay Recap (+ injury report)

I spent last week with my family on the beach of Lake Michigan.  There were 8 kids and 9 adults and we kept busy playing at the beach, swimming, flying kites, and taking walks. I even got in a couple of open water swims in Lake Michigan! It was chilly but after the initial shock of cold water on my face, it didn't seem so bad.

Welcome to my pool... I mean, Lake Michigan.

Unfortunately, on the second day I tripped on the beach and hurt my right leg. Initially I had pain from my thigh to lower back, and for a little while I was worried I had a stress fracture in my femur again because of how it was feeling. But each day it got a little bit better and now the pain has mostly settled into my knee. 

Two days before this incident, my friend Phil talked me into running in a triathlon relay the following Saturday. He said between the three of us, we could possibly place first. So we signed up and I was really excited. And then I hurt my leg.

By the time Saturday morning rolled around, I was pretty nervous about running 3 miles. Sure, my leg was feeling better than before, but I was still limping. Had I known Phil and I could have switched the swim and the run we would have planned on that. But until that morning, I hadn't thought that was possible, so I didn't have my swim gear and he didn't have his running shoes. I was stuck. And I was mad that I'd be slowing down their speedy times.

Pre-race. Phil, Glen, me

MightyMite Triathlon has two different transition spots (point-to-point), so I was left at T2 for a couple of hours as they drove to the swim start/ T1. This was my first relay and it was a strange feeling not knowing what was going on out on the course.

Sitting in my car admiring my KT tape waiting for the race to start.

I knew some other runners doing the relay so I waited with them and the last hour went by quickly. I got to see the first few cyclists come into T2, which was really fun to watch. I really would love to volunteer at a race so that I can witness all of this (I really want to volunteer at the Ironman World Championships in Kona). 

In comes Glen- I get the timing chip on my ankle and I'm off.

The first quarter mile hurt, and then suddenly it stopped hurting. So then I went faster and waited. Nope, still no pain. Faster? Still no pain. It was amazing and I ran the whole thing. I think I could have gone faster but I could tell I was dehydrated- after spending the whole day before in a car and limiting my water intake- because my heart rate was 185 for the last mile or so. I finished the 3 miles in 26:36 with a pace of 8:52/mile. On a bad knee. (Last year I ran the same route in 31:54 with a 10:38 pace. Talk about improvement!!)

When I found the guys at the finish we went to the timing tent to check out our results... and we came in first place!!!  I was so glad I didn't let them down.

First place in Mixed Relay!

Overall my knee is feeling better, but it still hurts a little. I've held off on running and I haven't tried riding my bike yet (plan on trying that this afternoon). There was never swelling, I can put full weight on it, and I have full range of motion, so I really don't think anything is horribly wrong with it- I really think it got tweaked from limping, and I kind of think my IT band has something to do with it. 

But still, I'm a ball of emotions today. I don't do well with limited activity and I've barely done anything for two weeks. I want to run, because last Saturday my knee felt better while running than it did while walking, but I also don't want to make anything worse and delay the healing. 

I was starting to get in a funk where I didn't want to do anything- even what I can do like swim and strength train. I'm trying to snap myself out of that before it gets worse. I swam today and I will try out the bike in a little bit. I'm trying to be optimistic that my knee will continue to improve and I'll be running in no time. And I'm thankful I have no other races coming up in the near future. 

Things could have been worse... but I'm still pretty darn anxious about it... optimism and thankfulness is only getting me so far today.

It's official!

Watch out, Texas! Prepare yourself for my Freak Out[s]!

I'm officially registered. This just made it extremely real. Almost too real. And doubt starts to creep in. And excitement. I think equal parts doubt and excitement.

Can you imagine what it feels like crossing the finish line? Chills.



And so on that note, I'm headed to the pool.