St. Jude Half Marathon Recap and a List of Positives

I didn't mean for the tone of my last post to be so negative. Yesterday was rough, and I just had to be honest about it. Ultimately I’m writing this to document my training journey, and I’m not going to lie and say everything is great and easy. No long distance training is easy for anybody- healthy or not. Everyone struggles with something. I might have some different circumstances to work around, but I’m doing just that- trying to work around them (by skipping the zoo event last night). I just need time to figure out a good way to balance everything. It’s possible- it has to be- and so I’m hopeful. And I'm grateful for what I can do. But sometimes it still scares me and I still get doubts.

The positive things about Week One of training: I've ran a total of 20 miles this week so far, spent ~2.5 hours in the pool, and 2.5 hours on my bike. I have another hour on my bike tomorrow morning, and- time permitting- 20 minutes of running before work. So really, I might be struggling against myself, but I’m still doing it. I’m making it work. Week 1 of training won’t be 100% completed but it’s pretty darn close, and that’s all I can really ask for.

This morning I actually got myself out of bed at 6 and ran 7 miles before work! A victory! Honestly, I am not a morning person so that's huge. I’m really tired now, but I’m proud of myself. I probably would have been tired anyway, so at least this way I have a good reason to be.

Yesterday I rode Kally (my bike) outside for the first time since I got my aero bars readjusted. I spent the first 15 minutes with one arm in aero and the other hand still holding onto my handle bar. But I finally mustered up enough courage and let go and had both arms in. Yippee! That was a huge hurdle. I've ridden in the aero position once before the adjustment and it was terrifying. This time I felt more stable and was actually able to stay there for a while (for 5 Hail Mary’s!).

Progress and little victories! 

The St. Jude half marathon!

I love Memphis and St. Jude and this whole community. It seems all of Memphis supports this race and these kids and it's such a great thing to experience. There were 18,000 runners (12,000 were Heroes) and we raised over $8 million for the hospital!!

There were only two times I got choked up during the race- the first was when a St. Jude patient sang the National Anthem, and at mile 7 when a woman on the side cheering us on said “Thank you, Heroes. My daughter is alive because of you!” (So a HUGE thank you to everyone who has donated to St. Jude! It really does make a difference!). Running through the campus is always overwhelming, too. Even though I work there and am on campus all the time, it's a whole different place during the race.
The race support and volunteers were awesome. There were so many Spirit Stations along the route with all sorts of live music and patients and families were lining the whole course.

The taper week was uneventful- almost TOO uneventful as in… I only ran one time! But I was so tired and seemingly everyone in Tennessee was sick with some kind of something and I think my body was worn out trying to fight off all the germs. Whatever it was- it was a relaxing week and I didn't let myself get upset for too much couch time and not enough swim/bike/run time.

The night before the race we went to stay at a friend’s apartment that was about a block from the start. We ate our carb-y dinner and started getting ready to go to sleep and I commented on how weird it was that nothing had gone wrong yet. I wasn't sick or injured, no one was in the hospital, we made it to Nick’s safely... smooth sailing. So I joked around because something has to go wrong in every race- or at least it has up until that point.

We woke up on time- still uninjured and still not sick, the rain from the night before had stopped, there wasn't an ice storm like last year... I ate my 2 bananas and peanut butter and went down to the start line. I found Jess in corral 4 (I started in corral 10 last time... big improvement) and we talked and tried to stay warm until it was our turn to go. We ran the first couple miles together before she took off and ran an awesome marathon.

I'm going to miss my running buddy!

My ultimate ambitious goal was 1:53, but realistically I just wanted a sub-2 finish. I was coming right up to mile 13 and tried to really push because that two hours was getting too close for comfort. Apparently I pushed too hard and tripped myself and landed on my hands and knees. Some runners helped me up, and aside from my bloody knee and bruised hands I was fine. But as I went down I started laughing… there it was! The one thing to go wrong! My one minor freak out! It hid from me until the very end. I’m oddly glad it happened just to keep the streak alive.

My official time was 2:00:51, but my watch read the course as being 13.3 miles. So really, according to my watch, I ran 13.1 in 1:59:07 and made my sub-2 goal! I had a 25 minute PR!!!

After I finished I walked around a bit then stayed next to the finish line to watch Nathan finish his first half marathon! And although he claims he "hates running" (whatever that means) and that he’s a retired half marathoner, he did great and so I don't really believe him. 

Will I do this race again? I hope so!!! This is one event that is worth the drive from Michigan every year. So whether I'll be running or volunteering, I want to come down and be involved. Plus... if I ever decide to do a full marathon (oh, boy), I want it to be the St. Jude marathon.

Woohoo! Cold and sore but happy!
PRs for both of us!

Coming to Terms with My Own Civil War

The half marathon race recap is coming, but first I need to talk about my training freak outs.

Monday was the first day of my 19 week training plan. I successfully completed my swim and ride. Tuesday I successfully completed my long run (10 miles already? Seriously?) and my recovery ride, and Wednesday I completed my swim. Three solid days. It's a good way to start.

But I've been uneasy lately. Anxious. The anxiety from my summer meltdown never fully left me as it is (that alone is aggravating) and so this is magnifying it a bit. My favorite way to describe bipolar is that everything is amplified. Something good happens? Then it's extremely good. If something is sad, then it is extremely sad. If something is a bit stressful, then it is extremely stressful. If anything causes a little bit of anxiety, then it's full blown anxiety and panic and I shut down. Everything is amplified.

I like to pretend I'm healthy. I laugh about my caffeine intake like it's a joke, but really, it's the only way I can function. I like to think I'm fine and healthy. I have a full time job that I love and spend time with friends, I go for some runs. You know, normal things.

I hate to blame triathlon or my training for the anxiety, because it really isn't that. What it's doing is making me face reality. My reality. This training isn't allowing me to pretend I'm healthy. This training is finally forcing me to accept my reality for what it is and learn how to live with it. My body and I are waged in a civil war and I never know who will win. I can't hide from myself. I can't deny it anymore.

I feel like I need to stand up and say, "I'm Andi, and I have a chronic illness", not "I'm Andi, and I'm a triathlete". How do I reconcile the two? How do I do this?

I'm Andi and I'm a triathlete with a chronic illness. Isn't acceptance the first step or something?

I was assuming my half Ironman training would start out easy and gradually build up over the course of the 19 weeks. But my training hours per week are already longer than my longest week of half marathon training and I'm only in week one. I'm not dreading the training itself- I like doing these sports- if I didn't I wouldn't have signed myself up for 70.3 miles.
So it's more of a struggle to figure out how to fit in my training. It's a struggle to come to terms with the fact it's a struggle. It's hard to admit that I'm not healthy, that I have limitations, that I can't do everything, that I need to ask for and accept help. It's a struggle to fit in training and my responsibilities.

So as I said- I already have this underlying current of anxiety from August. Anything can overwhelm me and I just shut down. Simple errands, simple decisions, simple phone calls- anything that the average adult should be able to do can some days become too much and just paralyze me. That's been frustrating as it is- it's stuff I've been able to manage for all of my life and suddenly it becomes too much. It's been hard just to accept that I can't control my anxiety and feel like I'm failing at being an adult. I can't help but think I should be over this by now- that if I just tried harder I'd be fine. But that's now how any of this works.

I only have a certain amount of energy on any given day, so now running errands- grocery shopping, taking my car in for maintenance, simple things- scare me because if I do them before my training I risk wearing myself out to the point I've become too tired to train. Or if things are time sensitive I have to either wake up earlier to squeeze in my workout before I might feel physically ready to do it, or rush to fit it in between certain hours that may or may not be the best time of day for me.
Or I'm nervous that doing things at night will wear me out too much for the next day. It's not always errands- for example- tonight my work is hosting an after hours event at the zoo from 5:30-9. That's potentially 3.5 hours of walking around (well, 2.5 because I could easily sit in the bat exhibit for at least an hour), and I worry how much energy that will take. I know we don't have to stay the whole time (or maybe I could watch the bats for 3 hours...), but it's another limitation I have to accept. It's another limitation I have to impose on others- I have to accept that 3.5 hours (with an hour of bats) might be too much for me and ask for them to accommodate that. But I'd rather pretend that I'm healthy and just do everything.

And today my schedule is even more thrown off because I couldn't fall asleep until 2:30 last night and I didn't wake up until 10 instead of 7:30 like I had planned. So now I have to wait for my body to wake up and try to fit in all of my training for today before the zoo tonight and I'm feeling overwhelmed by that. Because I'm not ready for my bike ride yet but it's already almost noon. And my worry is amplified. And my anxiety is amplified. Logically I know this isn't a big deal, that I have plenty of time, but I can't seem to make my brain chill out.

I've been trying to figure out ways to rest more. To maximize recovery between sessions. To somehow streamline life and eliminate unnecessarily spending energy. And to control what I can because there is a lot that I can't control.

What I can control:

• Nutrition
• Hydration
• Medication
• Rest

What I can't control:

• My body's response to those 4 things
• My energy levels
• My moods and anxiety

So that's where I'm at right now- stubbornly refusing to admit I'm sick but admitting it anyway, and easily being overwhelmed by every threat to my precious energy reserves. 

But I guess all I can do is do what I can, and hope I win the civil war each day.

By the Grace of God, I am What I am.

The half marathon is in 3 days!!! But before I get into that, here are some updates.

A few weeks ago Nathan and I ran the Gateway to the Delta 10 miler. It was a brisk 24 degrees at the start line and not much warmer at the finish. This was only the second year of this race, so it's small, which I like. After about the first mile when everyone was settled into their paces, no one but one old man (around mile 9) passed me for the remainder of the race. It was awesome. I kept passing people the whole time. My legs felt dead, though. I'm capable of a faster pace but my legs weren't responding. I hope it was just the cold weather- that my muscles aren't accustomed to running in those temperatures. I still beat last year's time and came in 6th in my age group, so all in all it was a great race.

Post race.
Nathan did great but he said he had no more smiles left.

This Sunday is 20 weeks away from my 70.3, and I'm starting to freak out a little bit. I've been so tired recently and it's been a struggle to complete all of my training. Some days I can complete the amount of time but am not able to meet the planned intensity. Or if I do the intensity I have to cut back on the duration. It's frustrating. I feel hydrated enough. I'm eating enough. I've rested as much as I can. But my body isn't responding. What else can I even do at that point?

Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake. I know I haven't- I know I'm capable of this- but if my body is struggling at the end of just half marathon training, how is it going to handle the weeks leading up to the half Ironman?

Maybe training for the half marathon has worn me out more than I realized. Maybe all of my long runs have pushed my body more than I thought. Maybe I need to figure out how to rest more.

On my tired days I start to doubt myself. And recently I've been having a lot of tired days, and therefore a lot of doubt.

But I am not alone. I just thought of 1 Corinthians 15:10

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me has not been ineffective. Indeed, I have toiled harder than all of them; not I, however, but the grace of God that is with me.

For whatever reason, God decided to give me this body and it's illnesses. He also gave me the love of triathlon and the ability to push through my fatigue and train- to at least some extent. I have no idea how I'll get through half Ironman training, or the race itself, but isn't there some comfort in knowing that I am what I am because of Him?

While that is comforting, skipping training sessions still makes me feel like I'm failing at this. I don't want to skip them- I love all three sports. But being this tired makes it feel like a chore because it's such a struggle. I hate that my fatigue takes the fun out of what I love doing. It's still difficult to accept my limitations, but I'm trying.

I ran across this (pun intended) near the end of my last long run.
Nice little reminder to be happy and grateful. 

Anyway, back to THIS SATURDAY!!! The half marathon! I've been so tired lately that I'm not sure if I am capable of my goal time, but this race is so much more than paces and finishing times. This race is for the kids at St. Jude. We run through the St. Jude campus and past the Target House where many of the families stay during treatment. The kids will be on the side cheering us on, holding signs that say things like "Thank you for running for my life". I honestly tear up just thinking about it. There is nothing like this race. 

So every time I start wondering about the weather (which I've been checking every day), or start worrying about how I'll feel that morning and what pace I'm capable of, I think of the kids and realize none of that really matters.

From St. Jude Heroes Facebook page
A patient making a sign for the race.

Honestly, no other race compares.

Reality Check

I like to pretend I don't have any health issues, and then I overdo it and reality smacks me in the face.

My training has been going pretty well. Tuesday was my long run which, thanks to an unexpected detour, was 11 instead of 10 miles. I felt strong, and was running faster than my scheduled easy pace- even in that last mile. Which means it's time for another running time trial assessment to readjust my paces! I'll do that either Friday or Monday.

I had a phone consultation with a coach through my training system. We talked about paces and goal times for my two races.  I have a projected finish time for the Half Ironman based on my current data, and she thinks I can knock more than 30 minutes off that time by April. She also gave me a predicted half marathon time for December... It's all very exciting but I'm keeping these goal times to myself because I'm putting enough pressure on myself to reach these goals... I don't want external pressure added in! But after the races I'll post the times. All of this is getting me very excited, though!

So back to over doing it.

I've been super congested from allergies and getting the Flu-mist vaccine on Friday (they were out of the injections. boo). I've had a steady intake of Claritin and pseudofed and still can't always breathe out of my nose. Finally today I woke up and could breathe, so I think the worst is over.

Monday morning I had an hour long interval session on my bike with a 20 minute brick run. Then I had an hour in the pool. From there I went straight to work.
Then I ran the 11 miles on Tuesday morning, and then went to the zoo to see the bats, monkeys, and sloths (and other animals) and walked around with Bethany for about 4 hours.
It was a really fun day, but I think it was too much activity and not enough rest for my body to fully recover from the run.

So Wednesday I woke up with my painful exhaustion. The fatigue that no amount of coffee can undo. The reminder that I'm not as healthy as I pretend to be.
I did the dishes and some laundry, but that was all could really manage. So Wednesday's swim was moved back to today.

I felt better when I woke up this morning and made it to the pool. My swim was really good. I finished the whole set and hit every single one of my interval times. But that took most of my energy and I only did half of my bike ride. I'm hoping to do the other half Saturday morning.

It's hard to figure out my priority between the swim, bike, and run... to know which one to do when I have limited energy. They are all priorities but for different reasons. I'm making good progress with swimming and don't want to lose those gains. I'm definitely weakest on the bike so obviously that needs the most work and I guess should be my priority, But the half marathon is only 6 weeks away so I feel like my run needs to be my focus.

I try not to get frustrated when my body responds this way. I'm asking a lot out of it with these crazy goals I've given myself. I try to be gentle with it, giving it the nutrition and hydration and rest that it needs. It's hard to find a balance with my recovery needs and with life.
There were a lot of factors going against me this week, though. I spent Wednesday resting and trying to recover enough to keep training and working and living.

I'm so much better than I was 10 years ago. And I am so thankful for that. Sometimes it takes having a bad day to remember how far you've come. And remembering that gives me hope for the future. 10 years ago I would have needed more than just one day of rest to recover from Tuesday. Am I 100% today? No, not at all. But am I better than yesterday? Yes. So maybe that needs to be my focus.

Perspective.
Reality.

2012 St. Jude Half Marathon

Back to "Normal"

It's been two months? Really? Where did time go?

My training is finally back on track. It took a while after my summer breakdown. The first week I managed 100% of my training was a big deal for me. It almost didn't happen- I had made it all the way to Saturday and then that morning I was so tired and didn't want to ride my bike before work. But there were only 50 minutes standing in my way, so I got up and did it. I needed a week of 100% after weeks of almost nothing.

That didn't happen until my moods finally evened out and the anxiety lessened so I was able to get back to the pool. For a while I couldn't even swim because having my heart rate elevate while I couldn't always breathe felt too much like anxiety and would actually cause anxiety. So my first full swim was a big deal, too. 

Mini celebrations- I'll take them when I can get them.

Nathan and I went home to Michigan in September for his sister’s wedding. I was afraid the trip would alter my moods with the change in my routine. I felt somewhat stable going into the trip, but I didn't trust the stability. I felt like at any moment my level of okay-ness would shatter.

So I brought my bike and my run shoes and managed a few rides and a few runs and that seemed to be enough to keep me on track.

A nice view to have for 8 miles

Road bikes and dirt roads don't mix, so my trainer was packed, too.
Had a nice view from the deck

Since then I've had a couple weeks of 9+ hours. A couple of them weren't 100% finished because of migraines or exhaustion, but for the most part I'm keeping up pretty well.

It’s felt good to finally feel like I've accomplished something. 

A couple weeks ago I got aero bars for my bike! Up until today I've only used them while on the trainer, but today I finally used them outside. Talk about freaking out! I was so scared! But I did it, and I didn't fall! I was going a lot slower than normal- which defeats the purpose- but hopefully I'll get more comfortable with them and with going faster.

The half marathon is only 7 weeks away! That’s practically tomorrow with the way time has been going lately.

And then to think what happens immediately after the half marathon…. Half Ironman training! Crazy.

Physically I'm feeling pretty good. I had a 10 mile run on Tuesday with an hour bike ride afterwards and wasn't even sore the next day. The run felt easy, too. Not that 10 miles is "easy" but I felt like I could have kept going, if that makes sense.  I'll take that as a good sign. I'm feeling good about the half marathon. I'm excited to see if I'm capable of finishing by my goal time. Only 7 weeks!

A Glimpse into my Messy Training Plan

Wow, once again I am blown away by the encouragement and "me, too!"s I've received. Thank you. I never knew my words mattered.

I thought after last post that I'd leave it alone. I brought up mental illness and got people talking. Now it's time to go back to my Triathlon Blog. Yay, triathlons! Yay, running! But then a friend made me realize something. This blog is to track my journey to 70.3 Texas- and it's already included a few posts about physical illness and injuries. So I'd be a hypocrite to leave out the bipolar and it's affect on my training plan, because it's altered my training just as much as an injury would. I want to be able to go back next year and read this blog and look at what it took to get to the finish line. I can't just leave out this part of my life. So this is more for me to document the struggles of training than anything else.

And... my training log is a mess.

Aside from the missing week in my training plan from vacation and taking it easy because of my leg injury, I have other missing weeks in my training plan, too And not because I didn't train, but because I never bothered logging in and recording my data. Again, with the apathy. And then even when I've done training sessions, they haven't always matched my plan. Or I just never was able to do them, like Tuesday when I was too manic to sit still long enough to ever get on my bike (more on that in a minute).

Yesterday I wrote the following to a friend of mine, "Now I want my blog to say:' ____ this ____ ultra rapid cycling ____.'  But I don't think that would be as well received."
She told me I could say that if I took out certain words, so there you go. You can fill in the blanks. Everyone loves Mad Libs, right?

When I last left the story I was doing a little bit better. That was Monday.

Tuesday I woke up feeling okay. Not great, but okay. And then I was determined to have a good bike ride whether or not I felt like it. I pumped my tires, filled my water bottle, got all ready to go and realized my Garmin watch was dead. So I decided while I let that charge to at least 25% I'd start rearranging some furniture I've been wanting to move for a while. So I started doing that, and once I started I figured I should finish. And then since I had to make a mess of the first room to do that, I had to go back and reorganize that room. And then I'd see another project and do that, and then I'd see something and think "oh, that will only take 5 minutes, I'll do that real fast, too".

Go go go go go. Can't stop. Go go go. I kept thinking "after I finish vacuuming I'll ride my bike" and then it became "after I finish the dishes, I'll ride my bike". And so on.

And before I knew it the entire house was clean, I never sat down, I never rode my bike and Jess and Glen were about to be at my house so we could head out to the lake for a swim. (at least my watch was 100% charged?). I didn't sit until Jess got to my house. And then I realized I never sat still long enough to eat lunch so I ate something while we waited for Glen so I could get through the swim.  The swim was good- about 40 minutes of a mystery distance (we took a different route than usual and our watches disagreed). By the time I got home I felt myself coming down. But not all the way down. Just partly down. A mixed state.

So let me give you a brief lesson about cycling. And not the bike kind of cycling.

Rapid cycling is four significant mood shifts within a year. Ultra rapid cycling is mood shifts within weeks or days. Within the same day. That's what I do. (Apparently the faster shifts are termed 'ultradian'. I hadn't heard of that before).

There is also a mixed state where [hypo]mania and depressive symptoms occur at the same time. Imagine a depressed person drinking 10 energy drinks. They're still depressed but now they can't sit still. Their speech is pressured and rushed. They want to do everything and nothing. That's what I do, too.

Yay.

This makes me laugh. It shouldn't. But it does.
But look at what my brain does. Brain, what are you thinking?

So then Wednesday. I woke up feeling mildly okay. When Nathan asked, that's what I told him. I wasn't great, but I wasn't horrible. Not even 10 minutes later an anxiety attack hit and so did a massive urge to self-harm. I grabbed my anxiety medication and luckily Nathan was walking by just at that moment. I hugged him while I waited to stop shaking. Then I held his hands so that my hands were occupied. Shout out to Nathan- he's amazingly supportive. We decided to play Guitar Hero for a while, again to keep my hands occupied.

The rest of the afternoon wasn't great. Embarrassingly, I stayed in bed for most of it and didn't manage to eat lunch until 4. I had plans to run with a local running group at 6, but by 4:30 I was getting anxious again and couldn't imagine running 5 miles or even putting forth the effort to get there. I decided to at least get my running clothes on so that I'd be ready if I changed my mind at the last minute. Which I did. I didn't want to, but ultimately I knew I shouldn't be alone that long (Nathan was at work). And Jess was going to be there and being with a friend helps.

We ran/walked our 5 miles and talked the whole time. It was good and it helped.

So to go back to my training plan since this is a triathlon blog (sometimes?): I wasn't scheduled for a 5 mile run/walk yesterday. And guess what? I never rode my bike, either.

I don't know how I am today yet. I guess I'm mildly okay again. It's unsettling because I never know what the next minute will be.
I'm going to attempt a swim today. And depending on how that goes, and if I'm feeling ambitious possibly a run and/or bike ride, too. Because this is what my week looked like:

Monday: Nothing
Tuesday: 40 minute lake swim - no bike
Wednesday: 5 mile run/walk - no bike
Thursday: ?
Friday: work 12 hours- attempt a bike ride before work?
Saturday: work 12 hours -attempt a run before work?
Sunday: work 12 hours- off (Mass before work)

I won't bore you with what my training is SUPPOSED to look like, but I'll just say that it looks nothing like that. No where close. Out of 7.5 hours, I've done less than 2.

Hey, my training looks just like it would if I were injured or had a cold. Oh hey, there is no difference. The only difference is that no one can see my brain (wouldn't that be cool, though?).
Because mental illness is real. So keep talking about it.

When Freak Outs become Major.

And now for something completely different.

I actually wrote most of this a few days ago, but decided not to post it. It seemed too much.

But now with recent events of another public suicide I felt like I had to. Why do I feel okay talking about a hurt knee or sleep disorder, but not my "hurt" brain? There isn't a difference. There is too much stigma attached to mental illness. So why shouldn't I write about it? Depression in an equal opportunity illness. None of us is immune.

Our secrets keep us sick. And it took me way too many years to realize that.

I briefly mentioned in my last post that I have bipolar II. Bipolar II is different than bipolar I in that bipolar II has hypomanic episodes as opposed to full blown manic episodes. Unfortunately, the depression and anxiety gets just as severe in both. I wish it was the other way around… although I wish I didn't have it at all.

I realized this morning that it's been roughly 14 years since I started experiencing depression. That makes it half of my life. It's a dark and lonely place to be. So dark sometimes that I was suicidal, but thankfully I never followed through. And I've already talked about my eating disorder- part of that was how I coped. Somehow self-destruction helped. 

For the last few years I've been relatively stable. I've had some ups and downs here and there but I've been able to get through them. My medication hasn't changed, I haven’t needed therapy, and I haven’t been self-destructive. It’s been nice. 

Well, that all changed a few weeks ago. I started noticing my mood shifting and I tried to wait it out, thinking it was just another 'blip' on the radar. I thought once I got back into a routine everything would be fine again. I tried to put on a smile and hide it until it went away. Except that wasn't happening and I seemed to be getting worse as the days went on.

I was anxious all the time, for no reason. That’s honestly the most frustrating part of all this. If there was a reason to be anxious or depressed, I could deal with the issue or talk about it and be fine. But there isn't any issue to fix and there isn't anything wrong to talk about. It’s just my brain deciding to be that way and there isn't anything I can do about it. So I start getting angry and start hating everything- including myself.

I think this is such an important thing for people to realize and understand. Nothing externally has to be wrong for depression to hit. There doesn't have to be an anxious situation for an anxiety attack to hit. It’s our bodies' fight-or-flight response going hay-wire. It’s beyond our control.

So lately it’s been a mixture of depression and anxiety. I've had a hard time eating this past week, too. That's not to say I'm falling back into an eating disorder- I just haven’t cared that I was hungry, and getting up and making something to eat was just too much work. It was easier to just stay where I was and not care. That’s made training hard. Keeping up on a 20 mile bike ride followed by a 3 mile run was challenging last Thursday with very little fuel and hydration.

And it’s been hard to leave the house- not in an agoraphobic way- but just in a way I felt too anxious and didn't want to be around people or deal with things, and partly the apathy of not caring whether or not errands got done. It was too much work and included being around too many people. I hate people sometimes. Not the individual people, but people as a whole. Being alone was safer. Easier.

Hyperbole and a Half

I had my 6 month checkup with my psychiatrist last week. Good timing, I suppose. Except he didn't seem to understand the severity of what I was dealing with- probably due to my apathy of not caring what either one of us said. I probably wasn't advocating for myself very well. But I did tell him I had urges to self-harm and he just said running should help replace bad coping methods. Essentially he thought running can provide the release that self-injury otherwise would have provided. Which isn't true, but I didn't want to argue.
And he said since I have a history of feeling worse in the spring and summer (seriously, how weird is that) and that since it was almost fall, I should be okay soon. He wasn't going to change anything and I could come back in 6 months for my next routine checkup. I didn't really like that answer but I didn't bother to tell him that. I just said ‘OK’ and left. But then I was mad and cried and felt hopeless. Was I really supposed to feel like this all the way to fall when hopefully, if I was lucky, I would do better? It’s the beginning of August- that’s not almost fall.

A few days later I was feeling even worse and I was convinced to call my doctor and explain to him that how we left that appointment was not okay. That running cannot be considered a good way of coping since I cannot run every minute of every day. That I can’t wait until the fall to feel better. And that things were getting worse. So he adjusted my medication. For the first time in 4 or 5 years.

That’s the other bad thing about mental illness. Finding the right medication is trial and error. What works for someone doesn't work for someone else. And what works for 5 years might eventually stop working. Again, I think this is really important for friends and family to understand. Nothing externally has to change for moods to shift. It’s probably nothing you did and there probably isn't much you can do about it. It’s that our brains flipped a switch one day and decided to do something different for a while.
We can't force it to get to better, or pray or hope it away. I thought for a long time that I wasn't praying hard enough, or that God wasn't listening to me because I wasn't getting better (although I'm sure God played a role in keeping me alive). Prayer can offer some peace and hope, but it takes more than that. There isn't much we can do to flip the switch back to where it was, except to be honest with a treatment team and try to do something about it before it gets worse.

So I’m trying to keep on being a functioning member of society. I trained with friends last week so that I would actually leave the house and have to be at a certain place at a certain time and do certain things. I plan on doing that again this week, otherwise I’d probably be doing nothing. I usually don’t need accountability with workouts, but right now I need the help.

I’m trying to be patient. I’m trying to hope the medication change will help. Both the immediate action one and the long term one. But the anxiety can be crippling and I wish I had an immediate fix. I think it's starting to help since my urges to self-harm have lessened- that tends to be my gauge of how I'm doing.

So yes. I say all of this to help break the stigma. It needs to be talked about.

This time around my depression didn't get to the point of feeling suicidal, but it could have if I let it go on longer. I would never ever follow through, but the fact that the thoughts creep in is unsettling.
Why do we allow ourselves to think we're the only ones and feel we can't get help? It's the illness. It does that to us. But we're not alone and we can get help. And it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Get help if you need it. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy- it's not always easy, and the trial-and-error method of medication can be frustrating, and working through things can be difficult, but it's worth it.
There is always hope, even if you can't find any hope in your darkness, trust me, it's there. It's worth fighting for.

A little humor never hurts.

Hyperbole and a Half